Friday, April 10, 2015

Leveling Up: Patterns

Patterns. They are those little things that you keep reliving over and over and over again.

They're the same little things you sit and wonder about over the course of your life, thinking "Why the fuck am I doing this...AGAIN?"

They are those little things that EVERY long term person you've dated asks, "Why do you KEEP doing this?"

For me there are several patterns that keep coming up.
1. Why do you always need to have the last word?
2. Why do you always need to be right?
3. Why are you talking to me like that? You're not my mom!

And one recent morning, as my soon-to-be-ex wife is having a meltdown over something she has absolutely no control over, I become my most mommy of moms. When it's all over, I realize that I don't want to be the voice of reason right at that moment. Instead, I decided to take a different tack. I decided to rant and vent and shame her for worrying over what I consider to be nothing.

When I think about the root causes of my mom behavior and my shaming behavior, the things that pop into my mind are things like my belief that somebody is behaving in a childish manner; my perception that someone's response to an incident is not what my response would be; and my reactive thought, "For serious? Are you doing it AGAIN?"

It would seem that my trigger for acting like a mom is my disapproval of how someone is processing whatever it is they are going through.

Early in the morning, when I haven't had my coffee and I'm just unconsciously reacting, my first response is to blame that person for my reaction to the trigger. The trigger being that I am percieving they are acting like an idiot.

I have to remember that I am 41 years old. I am more than old enough to see and recognize that my behavior is my own damn fault. My behavior is my own damn fault. I own my behavior.

As I was sitting in my car, talking to a machine that puts my words into a an electronic document with approximately 75% accuracy, I felt a wee bit silly. I feel ashamed that I have not done a better job to be conscious in my interactions with my soon-to-be-ex wife. I don't have to choose to be the disapproving mom. I can recognize that there are certain behaviors or my perception of certain behaviors that trip my trigger, and I don't need to respond to that trigger. Or I can choose to remove myself from the situation. Or I can verbally acknowledge "Hey, I'm experiencing something. I'm having a reaction regarding your behavior. My normal response is XYZ. I understand that's an appropriate response. Please give me a moment to adjust my attitude."

I could respond in a thousand different ways. Recognizing this, I wonder why am I not choosing a different response. When I respond like a disapproving mother, it does not serve  me.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

I missed my video call with my daughter last night. I felt awful. I miss her, and I also lose track of time. I sent her a video text after bedtime inside, and apologized for missing my video call. BadBoi texted this morning to ask what happened, I replied honestly. I had a parenting fail. I asked that she help me with reminders, if it is getting late and she hasn’t heard from me.

She declined. She listed out her own responsibilities regarding our child and told me she wouldn’t take responsibility for the ONE thing that I had to do; video call around bed time.

My face reddened as I suffered instant onset of a tension headache. I was overwhelmed by shame and my first response was to strike out in anger. I couldn’t do it, though. BadBoi was right. I sent a brief text to let her know that I wasn’t reading any further texts for a bit, while I got my shame spiral and resulting emotional shit storm under control.

I was struggling. I could see that she was right, and I felt the emotions swirling inside me. This is one of the things I deal with as I live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD); emotional instability. My moods can change on a dime. I also have difficulty controlling my anger, even when it isn’t warranted.

I took time to sit out and find out where my anger was coming from and why I responded that way. I didn’t want to direct that anger at BadBoi. I was able to calm down and read through her texts with no further adverse reaction.

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT STEP FOR ME. It reminds me that The Knife is right; I do manage my BPD relatively well. It is also a reminder that I need to keep working at being present in my life, paying attention to my emotional responses. I do this to live the life that is fulfilling for me. I do this to be the best mom I can be. I do this to remind myself that I’m ok. I’m doing the best I can and I keep striving to be the best me I can be.

All this gives me hope that someday I will have enough practice at managing this that the impact of BPD on my life, and others, will be minimal.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Woodpeckers and Princesses, Dayenu


“Okay, buster. Okay okay okay okay okay okay.”


That was the hook.

It caught in my maw; my lip, my mouth, my mind, and my soul expertly hooked by the repetition of that one word.

Okay.

My lover presented this book to me with the following inscription:
“One of my favorite
books for one of
my favorite people.
Happy Birthday
Red
Love, Kyle”

I was joyful that he wanted to share this with me, profoundly grateful that he would give me this glimpse inside of him. I was also dubious.

I don’t read much fiction. I hadn’t read any fiction written by Tom Robbins. The odd twist of his word play seemed silly, if not downright ridiculous at times.

Dayenu. It would have been enough that my love gave this book to me; I would have read it.

Dayenu. It would have been enough to have the subtle hint drift across my FB feed…a quote regarding love from this novel; I would have read it.

Dayenu. It would have been enough to have the subtle flirtation from a friend regarding her fetish for redheads, as she confided this is one of her favorite novels as well; I would have read it.

Dayenu. It is enough; the book is in my hands. I open the cover and I read. I find this quote.

So much of my recent past comes to the fore: the unruly way my world exploded, my floundering about for answers, the arrival of my gentleman rogue/outlaw hero, and my path to my own rescue. I can only rely on myself.

Dayenu. My life is enough.