Monday, August 31, 2015

Loving Gratitude

Kyle, you never cease to amaze me. When I think of what we do and who we are and how intense we are, I nearly fall over with the beauty of us and the resilience of us.

When I think of how you submit to me, when I think of how you trust me to push you far enough, but not too far, and you ask me to share pleasure with you in a way that you don't generally share with others; all I can think is how handsome you are and how strong you are and how proud I am of you.

I love you more and more and more, every single day. I get tears in my eyes thinking about how you share your vulnerability with me. I feel blessed to know that you share so much with me, you are all in with me,  that I see so much of you. I don't have words for how much I love you and if you could hear my voice right now, you would hear it wobble with passion and notice the catch as I speak.

Our love is a gift. It fills me up and overflows onto everything around us.

Thank you.
Thank you for being you.
Thank you for loving with your whole heart.
Thank you for taking down your walls at a time when most people would be reinforcing them.

I love you

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Rope Thoughts.

When I was tying you in my rope, I had a vision of you in the body you were creating for yourself. I wanted to expose your sensitive nipples, so I could play with (torture?) them. As I tied you, I felt powerful and strong. I felt creative and sexy. I felt blessed because you gave your body over to me so that I could recreate you in the bound image floating in my mind's eye. 

Looking at it in retrospect, I see issues with rope tension. The rope tension affects the function of the piece. I see issues with the flow of the lines, which affects the form of the piece. I desire more practice, working with the rope, feeling the fiber, understanding the energy that flows through me when I tie, and engaging in the energy with my rope partner.
At this stage, I think the function of the tie is primary; the form of the lines is secondary. Over time, with more practice, the function and form will blend to make beautiful art. I desire the beautification of this mitzvah as a way to elevate it, to make it more holy.

Engaging in these intimacies with you is always holy, and yet, I want to level up. I want continually sanctify our love and our loving, blooming in the radiance of the world.
Thank you for letting me experiment with you, love.
Thank you for the gift of yourself.

Kyle in my rope.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Gender Odyssey 2015, Pt 3

I'm home now. I'm easing my reentry to the land of muggles by taking today off work. I'm slowly sorting through the details of how I am feeling after living in Translandia for the past four days. The thought at the front of my brain? I AM NOT ALONE*.




I spent most of my time in workshops designed for non-binary folks. I met and connected with folks who were walking down the middle of the road or completely off the road in their own unique ways and my heart became fuller and fuller all throughout the weekend.




As the dust settles, I am reminded of the wonderful people with which I connected. As I reflect on the connections forged, I imagine that some will be ephemeral and some will be eternal and every variation of the places between  and surrounding those two small points in space-time.




I am reminded of the infinite ways in which we exist and the infinite ways we relate to others. And all the ways are equally important. I may never see some of these folks again and yet they have touched my life in very tangible ways, assisting with my growth as a human in genderfluid form.




I am also planning ways in which I might contribute to Gender Odyssey 2016 and how I can grow and connect  with my local trans* population. Knowing that I am not alone provided such wonderful relief; I want to share that relief around with others.


















*I understand that living in Olympia, Was, I do not experience the isolation of folks living elsewhere. Trans* folks of all stripes live here. I am mostly familiar with transmasculine people.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Gender Odyssey 2015 Pt 2

It's our second night in the hotel. We have made it through our first full day of Gender Odyssey 2015.

I'm not alone. Even though I use she/her/hers, I still identify as genderfluid. Many of my people use they/them/theirs. I saw so many of us today.

WE ARE BEAUTIFUL!

I'm caught up in the be you/do you crush conundrum. We aren't all friends yet. We may never be. And yet, I have the feeling that I have found my family.

Monday, August 10, 2015

I Hate Reciprocal Sex!

Reciprocal sex is overrated and has no place in adult sexuality.

Read it again. I really wrote that.

You might disagree with my statement, so let's start with some definitions.
Reciprocity
: a situation or relationship in which two people or groups agree to do something similar for each other, to allow each other to have the same rights, etc. : a reciprocal arrangement or relationship 1

Equality
: the quality or state of being equal 2

Equal
: the same in number, amount, degree, rank, or quality
: having the same mathematical value
: not changing : the same for each person3
I want to have sex. More so, I want to partake in the myriad sexual activities that individuals and groups devise with their desires. I want to strap on and fuck your holes with my cock. I want to feel a mouth on my click, sucking and biting. I want to feel my fingers fuck your ass, all warm and tight. I want to open my cunt for your cock, your fingers, your tongue, your fist. I want to use my teeth and claws to bruise and hurt you.

Please notice that none of these sexual activities are the same for each person. I want to get what I want and I want you and the others to get what you want. "I'll suck your click if you suck mine" doesn't really work for me and I'm not certain how it works for anyone. I don't want reciprocal sex; I want equitable sex.
Equitable
: just or fair : dealing fairly and equally with everyone4 
Some people conflate reciprocal sex with active sex. I like being the recipient of  penetrative sex. I prefer to be actively receptive. There are others out there who are passively receptive, and they are awesome! If you aren't engaging in the type of sexual activity you enjoy, then talk with your partner. Being direct and upfront about your preferences is the best way to ensure that you will engage in sex that ROCKS YOUR WORLD.

This whole post was started by a conversation I had with an acquaintance who was complaining about "pillow princesses" and how they never told this person ahead of time that they didn't like reciprocal sex and also by a blog written by my friend The Knife, who identifies as stone butch.
"So what does Stone mean to me? It means that I don't take my boxer briefs off, and I don't get touched anywhere that's covered by my boxer briefs. I don't orgasm with other people. For the record, many years ago, I did try all the things that everyone else seems to like, and I hated them. My sexual boundaries are open for discussion, but they're non-negotiable. It doesn't matter who you are, or how much I love you. I don't do that. Sex for me is not an unequal trade. Rather, it's an exchange of currencies. What I give to you, and what I take from you are different, but they are of equal worth."
When I read over this, I am offended on her behalf because she has to justify her boundaries. I find this absolutely repugnant. Also, I find this passage highly inspiring. It reminds is that there is more than one kind of sexual exchange, and that is okay!

So get out there, stop expecting reciprocal sex and start asking for what you want and what you desire. Take hold of the reins of your sex life and ride off into your sunset.

  1. "Reciprocal." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 22 July 2015. <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/reciprocal>.
  2. "Equal." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 22 July 2015. <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/equal>.
  3. "Equality." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 22 July 2015. <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/equality>.
  4. "Equitable." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 22 July 2015. <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/equitable>.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Fight or Flight Can Happen With Emotions, Too.

Not everyone knows that your body can react with the fight or flight adrenaline rush from emotions. I know this. It has happened to me several times in my life. The most recent time was today, right before lunch.
 
There are plenty of sacred things with my lover. Most sacred is not to box each other in, to share our bodies and minds as freely as our joys and our interests. It leaves room for a delightful blossoming, a growing garden filled with fruit and flowers. It is a garden that feeds our bodies and our souls.
 
We are also human, so it also leaves us open to envy and jealousy and pain at misunderstandings. I think the benefits and joys outweigh the possible hurt. It’s why I continue on with my polyamorous life choice.  It doesn’t mean that hurt doesn’t happen, because it does. It did today.
 
Kyle and I were chatting, as we do during the day, about people we are connecting with and what we are talking about with those people. He was chatting with a newly exploring kinky person about daddy/boy play (no, I don’t capitalize) and as he told me about this, I felt a prick of jealousy. This is nothing new, I’m new to poly and I’m still working out my jealousy/envy coping skills. When he went on to describe how he doesn’t enter this dynamic without spanking, I felt the full blown adrenaline rush of fight or flight. One of the things I held sacred, our daddy/girl dynamic, was scattered to the winds, I felt a covenant was broken.
 
I’ll start off by saying, I almost always FIGHT when I feel that adrenaline hit. Physical altercations, verbal eviscerations…pretty much anything that I can do to hurt the other person.
 
I always regret this decision. You can’t undo physical harm. You can’t unsay hateful words said in anger. I told him I was pinched, our code word for hurt/jealous/envious.
 
Sitting at my desk, I needed to do something. I had chosen not to fight. There was nothing to run from. The only thing left was to run towards my pain with a lunch time walk. The downside to running towards your pain is that you feel it. You take your walk, you breathe deeply, and you get to the sad and hurt of the pain and you sit with it.  It sucks. And you breathe deeply and you continue to feel the hurt. And you read the apologies and you feel the hurt.  Getting the picture? You just feel the hurt. There is no way around it, so you walk with it. You tell it you understand. You tell it that I can’t stay with you forever, just until it gets back on its feet and walks itself right out of your life.
 
And I give myself a pat on the back for choosing a different path. I acknowledge myself and the new choice I made. A new choice that I made in love, for myself and for my lover.
 
Kyle, you and your integrity inspire me to reach new heights and strike out on new paths. Thank you, and I love you.