You may remember that in September 2014, BadBoi broke up with me. After all, that is when I started this blog. We tried to be a family; the broken shards of our relationship contained in the home we shared together. We wanted the best for our small spawn.
It was disheartening. I felt that it was a disaster at the time. There was no space to breathe. I was trying to make wide spread changes in my life. While my motto* seems simple, in practice it was more difficult to live by than I originally anticipated. I didn't feel there was space to practice my new way of being in the world without stepping on toes. As time wore on, I felt more and more caged in. I know it was my own doing, and that didn't make it any easier. The cage felt smaller and smaller and I felt trapped in a house that was no longer a home with a person who was no longer my spouse working a job that supported the family that was no longer mine. I was only there to take care of my spawn, trying to maintain some semblance of stability in her young life. We thought it best for her wellbeing.
Wellbeing is an interesting concept. It doesn't just encompass the here and now. It is a much bigger picture, it encompasses the whole being on multiple levels and in multiple layers. Should I stay and step on the wreckage of life as I had known it? What would be the cost to my heart? What would be the cost to my soul? What would be the cost to my child?
My perspective is colored by my lived experiences. I survived a divorce when I was only 2 years older than my child. My mother and father have been divorced for the past 36 years. My mother passed away nearly 7 years ago. And even now, so long after, I am still unraveling, cleaning, and clearing the debris of that trauma from my life. I cannot protect my child from everything. I CAN take the best care of me possible and thus, be able to take care of her, too.
When I decided I wanted to move, I checked in with BadBoi before I even put in the application for my Oly job. I didn't want to blindside her with my plans. I knew that my plans were not in alignment with our original vision. I also knew that the original vision we shared was not working for me. I don't think it was working for BadBoi, either. If it isn't working for us, it sure as hell can't work for our child. Making the decision to move was the second hardest thing I have ever done. The hardest thing I ever did was the day I actually moved my belongings to my new city. I left behind a house that was no longer a home, a person who was no longer my spouse, and a job that supported the family that was no longer mine.
