Monday, September 14, 2015

Growth and Pain and Passion and Pain

Today is September 14th. Five days from now is the first anniversary of Bad Boi's reading of her break up letter in our first and only marriage counseling session.

The divorce is nearly finalized and it has been a long time coming. Today, I signed and notarized the appropriate pages. I sent them to my attorney. I feel like a mess. I'm on the verge of tears, edging there like a slut begging for orgasmic release.

Cynthia Occelli wrote:
"For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction."
While I understand this on an intellectual level, my heart and soul are crying out at the rending apart of this relationship.

While parts of me look forward to the horizon, these parts of me are sitting in a diner, eating my sadness in the form of cheese fries and a French dip sandwich. These parts of me are drinking bottomless cups of coffee, trying to validate my feelings and explain my pain on a cell phone while listening to Dar Williams.

Today, I stay here and honor the seed that I once was.

Dreaming True Dreams

My dream:
I have been dreaming of a humming bird often over the past few weeks. It has the coloring of a Scrub Jay and it also has a crest, like a Stellar's Jay, but the crest is blue, not black. It flies around like a humming bird and is almost tame. In each of the dreams the bird gets progressively closer to me.
Last night, I was walking in my dream and this bird landed on my right shoulder. The weather was blue skies with fluffy clouds and I was happy and excited that the bird landed on my shoulder. I took some selfies because when does a humming bird land on your shoulder?!
Right after that, I ate half the bird and it was tasty.
I posted the dream to FB and my friend, the Seer, responded and explained the following to me.
  • Birds are messengers and represent joys, happiness, and spiritual connection
  • Humming birds fly in ALL directions.
  • Blue is the color of information, spirit opening up, and the throat (therefore speech)
  • This all combines to let me know that messages are coming in from all directions and prayers are being answered.
  • Walking indicates that I am able to support myself and things are going well
  • The right shoulder signifies how I give love.
  • Eating and enjoying eating the bird indicates that I am taking in the messages, following my heart and giving back.
  • Eating only half the bird, means I'm half-assing it.
Her advice was to go full throttle towards my desires.

Kyle read it and stated it was on point and when I asked him about it, he replied that I am supporting myself and that I am receiving messages from all over. He went on to say that I am connected and and receiving answers and that when I open myself to those answers, amazing good things happen. He prefaced all this by saying that he couldn't speak specifically to what I am not taking in vs what I am accepting.

I asked him to sit and listen to his gut about that particular thing, because he knows me so well. He told me he thinks that I resist answers from people that I struggle with, and while sometimes I do accept those messages/answers, it appears more difficult for me. He went on further, stating it is appears that messages/answers from BadBoi appear to be the hardest to absorb.

Here's what I didn't tell the Seer:
I was horrified after eating the bird, because the it was still living. I decided to cut off the bird's head to "put it out of it's misery" and then I threw the bird and it's head in a swamp.
After reading what Kyle and the Seer had shared with me, some things snapped into focus for me. I do actively resist some information and answers from BadBoi, and others, especially the things I don't want to hear or the things that I hear and then feel like I'm not being seen as a whole, functioning, trustworthy person.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Life with BPD

Today is a day when living with borderline personality disorder has been challenging. At this time in my life I am sitting with divorce papers in my in my bag. I want to be divorced from Bad Boi. I have also attributed meaning to the divorce and that meaning is that I am unsuccessful with long-term relationships. I wonder what is wrong with me that I can't maintain a long term loving relationship with another human being. I know that's a bunch of shit. I maintain loving relationships with family members, with good friends, and functional relationships with colleagues and peers.

Dealing with a divorce is exhausting in general. I'm distracted. I am constantly concerned about when the paperwork will get to me and when will I get the paperwork back to my attorney and who's going to notarize my separation contract because I only have 20 bucks between all of my accounts and the cash in my pocket and it feels debilitating like I just wanna stay in bed and not do any of it.

Now say that run-on sentence over and over and over again in your head as fast as you possibly can. You will have a glimpse of what it's like inside my BPD brain just around that one particular topic.

And you might also know that it is similar for smaller things like chat windows that don't share the whole chat or computer programs at work that don't run fast enough or making coffee or trying to get ready in the morning or any of those other daily life type things...

The THOUGHT PROCESS OF ALL OF MY LIFE is like that spinning hamster wheel.

I have to take time to stop, get off of the hamster wheel in my brain, step back, and breathe. I have to do these things or my emotional responses are completely out of line with reality.

This takes energy and so how I cope with that is by trying to manage the expectations that I have around things. So if I ask you about an agreement that we have, it's not that I think that you're inconsiderate. I don't think that you're a bad person. I don't think that you're cruel. I don't think that you're mean.

When I ask to change our agreements, it's to protect myself and try and slow down that hamster wheel in my brain and stop my emotional response from spinning out of control. Constantly running on that wheel is exhausting and my emotions often come out sideways with BPD and even more so when I'm exhausted.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Feeling all the FEELS

Tonight is a heavy processing night. On my kitchen table are the final documents that I need to sign and have notarized in order to end my marriage. It's been almost a year since Bad Boi broke up with me. It looks like the divorce will actually be final right around that year mark, give or take a couple of days.

When  Bad Boi and I got married we wrote our own vows and I used the following quote to start my vows.
"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet I mean what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage you're promising to care about everything, the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness."
As glad As I am to sever the legal relationship that I share with her, the choices that I am currently making about how to live my life are drastically different than what I thought my life would look like.

My now current plan is to live alone for the rest of my life. There are so many positives to this, even though I'm crying right now. I can have my space the way I want it and I can buy the things that I like and I can be as minimalist as I want to be.

I have the sweet love of Kyle and have a wonderful friendship with Mrs. Kyle. I am so blessed to have them as a part of my family. And this whole emotional roller coaster that I'm on right now is not helped by the fact that tomorrow is their 22nd anniversary. Right now I'm feeling a lot of envy for that kind of relationship, a relationship where you can rely on somebody to be there for DECADES.

I thought I would have that in my life. Though I've said before; you only have yourself to rely on at the end of the day. This feels painfully true for me.

I can be deliriously in love with Kyle, and I cannot envision a life where I will ever be able to rely on someone to be there like that for me. Because nearly a year after I spent 6 weeks in my bed, trying not to kill myself, I am still emotionally debilitated by the idea that I'm only going to have myself to rely on for the rest of my life.