Saturday, March 12, 2016

My Trans Embodiment

I'm thinking of my enby embodiment. I've been taking Testosterone for nearly 8 months.

I feel like I've been living with a cold for this entire time as my voice drops in fits and starts. I feel youthful embarrassment when my voice cracks, or fails to make any sound at all.

I'm starting to feel the changes to my hips and stomach as my fat redistributes itself. I have a jacket that now fits around my hips and shirts made so tight that the "belly button" never stays buttoned.

I see and feel the changes in my skin as it erupts in acne. Sometimes it erupts in places where it didn't erupt the first time I went through puberty. 

My joints started aching as parts of my body that can still grow rub elbows with parts that finished growing decades ago.

My muscles are yearning, though I'm not quite sure what they want. They have gotten bigger. I think they've been working out without me, stealing away in the deepest part of night to pump iron while I sleep. 

I feel with my whole body that it has now grown into a place where my previous knowledge of my body is not enough to take care of it. My body has changed enough that it feels like I moved and I have to figure the quirks of the new layout that is now my home. 

A quiet part of me nags that I am not trans enough,  that if I was truly trans,  I would know what to do. 

Shut up,  Quiet Part! You don't know shit about this.