Solo Polyamory: Thoughts On My Path

When I originally started on my poly path, I had no fucking clue what I was doing. I started solo by circumstance. Kyle is in a marriage that works for him and his family. I was never under any illusions that he would change this part of his life. So I made a relationship agreement with him: "I will take all of what you can give, and no more."

This agreement worked out really well in the beginning. He was relieved to accept it, as he had often felt stressed when his non-nesting partners would ask for more than he could give. It was a good place for me to start working on envy and jealousy. They are different and both have given me a run for my money over my lifetime.

I coasted along, learning how to cope with my less pleasant emotions. Every now and again, I would feel a pinch when I really needed someone to be there because I just needed a person who loved me in the house, nearby.  I read blogs, joined solo groups, joined poly groups. I paid attention to the experiences they shared. I learned so much and became aware of more thoughts and feelings. I defined the key things I need in relationships.

When the new year rang in, I let Kyle know that I wanted to look over the way we do things. I wanted to set intentions for the future. I wanted to take a look at where we had been, what had worked for us and what needed revamping.I wanted to rehash our agreement, find things that worked for both of us.

I was ready to talk; he was ready to think on it. He thought about it for a long time. He thought about it for a really long time. He kept thinking about it. He thought about some more. Six months later he was still thinking about it...right up until I told him that it couldn't wait any longer. That was the night I told him, crying with snot on my face, the agreement no longer worked for me. I had given him permission to take me for granted and now I was rescinding that permission. (You can read about that here.)

I was in tears because I was terrified. Even with the uneven distribution of power in our relationship, it was still the best relationship I had ever had. We could talk and process and listen and ALL THE THINGS. I was terrified that he would decide that our relationship wouldn't work for him if our original agreement wasn't in place.

I AM MORE PROUD OF MYSELF FOR THAT THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW.

Stating my needs, out loud, regardless of the outcome...
Let me tell you...it took all of my energy and courage to say those things.
AND it was the first time IN MY LIFE that I had chosen ALIGNMENT with my values over my insecure need to be in a romantic relationship.

It was the FIRST TIME in my life that I had chosen ALIGNMENT WITH MY VALUES over my insecure need to be in a romantic relationship.

It was the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE that I had chosen ALIGNMENT WITH MY VALUES OVER MY INSECURE NEED TO BE IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.

That pride has locked in the transition of my solo by circumstance to my solo by intention.

So much...everything...aka Word Vomit

I don't know where to begin, so I'll just start typing...relationship restructuring, abnormal pap results, a rapist I know, solo poly, parenting, co-parenting, work woes, having only $35 until my next payday, a sweetie whose reality of "tenuous finances" still includes buying a car for the teen in the house, the awkward and uncomfortable ways my body is changing on T, and that is just the stuff in my immediate life.

Then there is the escalating police brutality towards brown and black folks, the election shitshow 2016, the open and escalating violence of white folks against brown and black folks, PULSE (and the "findings" that it was not  QUILTBAG hate crime, even though everyone in the QUILTBAG knows they have a target on them every time they go to a queer club, ESPECIALLY if they are brown, black, and gender varient).

It's all so overwhelming. And there is more. so much more.

and it's all been swirling in me and I've not been able to get a handle on it and I want to get it out and so far, this is all I have.