#realtalk #IPEEWHENISQUIRT

It has taken me a year to write this blog post. When the news came out, I was so angry that I was an incoherent mass of rage.

I squirt during sex, OFTEN. Sometimes, there is pee and sometimes there is not, and I notice it based on smell, though also sometimes on color. As a person who sometimes pees while having an orgasm, I was not particularly offended by the pseudo-science (Sample size is 7, for fuck's sake)  article stating that squirting may actually be pee. I felt relieved. I am not alone.

However, I was incredibly offended by the response posted here. 

"Also, WHO FUCKING CARES what the chemical make-up of the ejaculate is?! Are we trying to “prove” it’s pee so we can keep shaming people for doing it?"

Well, it's obvious to me that YOU fucking care, Epiphora, because you started this whole fucking hashtag #NOTPEE.

I won't be silenced because you appear to think pee is gross. Regardless of the chemical make up of the squirting fluid, you still need mattress protectors, chux pads, or some other way to clean up. Regardless of the chemical make up, IT'S STILL A FUCKING AWESOME ORGASM.

So for all the folx out there who think they might pee when they squirt, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Never Say Never: More Gender Stuff

Genderfluid: all the variations of the binary genders, switching and flowing around. This is how I came out in my trans journey. It doesn't really apply. Sometimes this applies.

Genderqueer: all the variations of all the genders, without regard to what society defines as feminine/female or masculine/male. This is how I currently see myself.  I still use they/them pronouns.

Sometimes I eschew binary gendering of my person. Sometimes I like nail polish, cargo shorts, jeans, lipstick, eyeliner, facial shaving. It all shifts around, but I don't feel girly if I do/wear feminine things. I don't feel boyish if I do/wear masculine things. Generally, I don't feel gendered in my presentation. Sometimes I do feel gendered. Today, I'm feeling "girly."

Why do I bring this up? Because the other day I read an article that was posted by my friend. Koren Helberg wrote an article for The Guardian regarding a quarterly publication out of Melbourne, Australia. Butch Is Not A Dirty Word is produced by Esther Godoy and photographed by Georgia Smedley.

The conversation we had surrounding the ideas of femininity and masculinity put me in deeply thoughtful place. I would not call myself masculine. However, I have never been delicate. I have never been soft. I have never been gentle. I have never been graceful. I have never been any of the qualities that are associated with femininity, either.

As much as I would like to permanently remove gender norms from behaviors and presentations, I cannot ignore my lived experience. I cannot ignore the work I did to get good with all the feminine things my body did, even though I hated most of it. I cannot ignore the path I have walked, in this body that I saw as womanly, because I had no other words to describe it. I cannot ignore that my fat body did not draw catcalls even though it drew verbal harassment because it has always been fat. I cannot ignore the ways I was ridiculed because I wasn't ever girly enough, pretty enough, womanly enough for the male gaze.

I'm still thinking on the topic. I'll likely have more to say.  And for now, it is enough that I can, once again, hope for a place where we can all be who we are, even when it's contradictory.

Rejection: Just Say Thank You

In the past two years, I've been practicing accepting rejection and I've gotten plenty of it. Some people give me reasons, some don't. They all have one thing in common; they have declined to meet up with me. Rejection is a funny thing. We take it so personally, and yet it has so little to do with us as people, especially when dealing with online dating.

I extend the invite to meet, in the hopes that my profile and the brief patter of chatting will engage the other person enough to show up so we can dive deep into the conversations of the things that catch and hold our attention. What things are we passionate about? Do we have overlap? What are differences and what can we learn from those differences?

The most recent rejection was particularly disheartening. Her profile was engaging and her smile enchanting and I really wanted to have a 3 hour coffee session with her, talking about ALL THE THINGS. Her rejection was kind and soft and she included an explanation. In it, she explained that she didn't think our styles of poly are compatible.

In that moment I felt like I was not enough, unlovable, broken, ugly, less than, and whole host of  ugly, yucky things. I wanted to do ANYTHING to make it stop. Because her rejection prompted all this, if she would change her mind, then I would be all better and none of those things would be true.

All of those thoughts happened in a moment, a split second. All of the things I told myself were lies. They were lies I TOLD TO MYSELF.

When we are rejected, all the ugly we bring up is from our own hearts and minds.

What is the best response when we are rejected? How do we weather that internal storm?

Hit reply and say, "Thank you."