Friday, February 27, 2015

I Feel STRONG!

There are so many changes happening in my world right now. I've written about some of them here, here, and here.

One other change is coming. I am reimagining, reinventing, and rededicating my life. I am working to strike out for a new city, new work for pay, and a new way of living my life.

Change is a funny thing. Sometimes in comes in fits and starts. Sometimes it winds around, apparently willy nilly. Sometimes changes are faster than we expect and more wide reaching that we can imagine.

Watch the first 20 seconds of this video...


The original change in my life was like that ball dropping in the center of the circle. It started a catastrophic chain reaction of change in my life. Those changes are BIG. Those changes are far reaching. Those changes come as a big surprise to those who have known me over the last 10 years. They are not surprising to me.

I sent off a email to a friend checking in with me. I told her I feel strong. And that feeling is filed with resonance, like the WORD. I DO feel strong. I feel more solid. I'm on my path. I know where I'm going. I feel the universe supporting me in LOVE.

I am confident about these changes. I feel the call for change in my soul. I am on the correct path for me, and ultimately for my family. Here and now, I know my destination. I travel there with a courageous heart.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Gender Fluid Transition


February 6, 2015.

I want to remember it. It was such a big day for me.


I had scheduled my initial consult with therapist for that day! I had been needing to find a replacement therapist for my anxiety and depression. I struck out with the first recommended therapist, so I asked her for a recommendation.  I was looking for someone who was kink +, poly +, sex +, and familiar with gender identity issues, in addition to helping me with my anxiety and depression.

In looking for, contacting, and scheduling with my new therapist, I had made a decision. I was following through on my desire to explore testosterone therapy to fulfill my desire to match my body with my gender identity. I feel very in the middle of the spectrum, and I want my body to reflect that more than it currently does.

I didn’t expect that I would be so excited about this prospect. Now that I have acknowledged that I am headed in that direction, I feel lighter and almost airy.

I am curious about the changes I will undergo; I know everyone is different. I understand that I am likely to develop more body hair, a deeper voice, a bigger clit/cock. I wonder what will MY changes look like? I am looking forward to my path to the middle. Who knows? I might even accept “they” as my personal pronoun.


I also think that walking with my gender will help alleviate some of my depression and anxiety, making it even easier to recover.

***last minute addition: on February 16, 2015 I sent a message to my PCP asking about testosterone therapy. The Vancouver Clinic does not provide this type of care.

February 18, 2015,  I reached out to a friend and got the name of a doctor. I contacted the doctor but she isn't accepting new patients. She pointed me to a list from Basic Rights Oregon. I looked up the doctors on my insurance website and found a match. AND that match is taking new patients! I have an initial appointment in less than a month!***

What is your experience with non-binary transition? Please share in the comments.


Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Seeds and Caterpillars

“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”

Cynthia Occelli

When BadBoy broke up with me, I felt like was in midst of the complete destruction of my life. All my future hopes and dreams were dashed. I felt betrayed, why did we even get married? Why did I waste my time on this relationship? Why did we have a child together?

Also, I was stuck. I was in a job that no longer challenged me. I became apathetic and depressed. I was unsure how to proceed. I had been watching BadBoy make all kinds of positive changes in her life for nearly two years. I felt envy. I felt lost. I felt misunderstood and unloved.

It has been 5 months since that day that I thought my life was ending. It has taken nearly that long to realize that I am in the midst of a life transformation. I’ve been talking about feeling like a butterfly ready to burst from its cocoon for over a year, like I was right on the verge of it. The truth is the day that BadBoy broke up with me was the day my cocoon started splitting open. It was the day the seed was destroyed and I started to develop and travel further along my path.

As my seed sends out roots and shoots, I begin to see new options. I feel like the blinders are off. I see the infinity of CHOICE facing me. I can work where I like. I can live where I like. It's my life and as long as I make my decisions in love, I can build my life the way I want it. No one else can see the blueprint in my head. I am responsible to live my life, true to myself.

In this moment, I feel fully emerged from the cocoon and my wings are spreading, filling out, getting flight worthy. It is a really exciting (and terrifying) time to be me.
I sometimes experience difficulty sharing my journey with people who are aware of or witnessed my caterpillar life. I don't always feel confident that I can shake free of the shame associated with my caterpillar life. Today I claim it. I claim my shameful parts and love them. I know I will do better tomorrow. I grow in love and kindness every day.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Trust, pt 2

From: Kyle
Sent: Thursday, February 05, 2015 3:45 PM
To: Red
Subject: RE: trust

Baby, Red, I love you so much.  Thank you for sharing this with me. 

I came into this relationship feeling pretty raw and hurt.  The trust I had in a lover and a brother-friend had been shattered and I wasn't sure about trusting anyone new after that.  At least not too soon.  But you, you defy all of those ideas with your consistent trustworthiness.  At first I didn't know that it would be so good with you but there was something that started growing right away that said 'you can trust her'.  And really that started before the break up with the lover. You reached out to me and I could feel your authenticity and your genuine good wishes for me.  One of the first clear signs that I could trust you was the way you held your lines.  You wouldn't let me talk trash about the lover, not even minor trash.  You told me what the line was and you meant it and you held it.  What that told me was you were a person of your word, you had integrity and strong morality about friendship and loyalty.  And that impressed me and made an impression on me.  Because it told me that you weren't just words, you would back them up. 

And since then, more and more and more.  You consistently show me your trustworthiness.  Every day is better with you, love

Kyle

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Trust

From: Red
To: Kyle
Subject: trust
Date: Thu, 5 Feb 2015 23:35:53 +0000

I know I don’t talk about how I trust you.  I wonder if you would like to read it as it is typed from my fingers.

This life I lead is interesting. I generally trust first. I trust that people are basically good. I trust that I am safe. I trust that the sun will rise tomorrow. I trust that the people I meet will like me, or if they don’t, they won’t be pissy about it.

Of course, there are layers of trust. When I burn my hand, I take some away. If the breach is severe enough, I cut people off.

You are different. Each day, each interaction, each moment, you show that you are trustworthy. My trust in you grows just as my love grows.

I just wanted you to know.

Red

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

A Love Poem

Electricity.
It doesn’t move if there is no connection.

When your skin connects with mine, the switch is thrown; the connection is made. The electricity flows and races through us. It amps up our play. It lights up our synapses. I cannot speak for you, but I feel like a generator. My energy level is high, waiting for that connection to put things in motion. When you throw the switch, I feel my molecules respond.
You are a singular individual; capable of transporting and transmuting the energy I generate without burning out. You are top of the line, the newest technology. We are partners in this power. I cannot be fully operational without your beautiful circuit.

I love you, Kyle.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Blood, Sweat & Queers

I am antsy! Tomorrow is Blood, Sweat & Queers. I am attending as Kyle's boy. I have never been to this event before, but I am totally a-flutter with anticipation. I'll meet new people. I'll serve Kyle. I'll be beaten, bruised, used, and fucked. I'm almost orgasmic just writing that last line. Aside from a new haircut, I'm not sure how to prepare.

Kyle and I are very fluid in our play style. We respond immediately to the needs and desires of the moment and we do so with ease. We have a basic outline for tomorrow night, but nothing is set in stone. The anticipation is killing me.

I'm also a little anxious. I don't have that much experience playing in public. I don't want to disappoint my Sir; I want to do everything he asks of me and more.