Monday, March 30, 2015

Poem: Touching You

Touching you
Kissing the back of your neck
Ruffling your hair
My arms around your waist
Breathing you in
I step around to face you
I gaze into your eyes
Run my fingers down your cheek and under your chin
Slip my right hand to your lower back, pulling you into me
My left hand cupping your face
My lips longing for yours
They meet with warmth and softness and electricity
Igniting our passion

Friday, March 20, 2015

My Gender Identity Doesn't Need Your Validation

Genderfluid. I like to type it all as one word. I feel that my gender is shifty, centering on the middle of the road between masculine and feminine. I made the decision to obtain testosterone therapy because it will result in the physical changes I am seeking.  I’m seeking more noticeable facial hair, a deeper voice, and a larger click. I want my physical body to match up with my gender identity. I will still wear make-up and dresses on occasion. I don’t want to be a man or even mostly masculine; I’m not going to have a mastectomy. I want to be as close to the middle as I can make myself. There will be other things that come along with the use of T, and I decided that I want my changes more than I don’t want things like changed fat distribution, increased muscle mass, and possible hair loss.
I’ve been getting feedback from friends and family regarding my choice to seek Testosterone therapy to bring my physical body more in alignment with my gender. They are concerned that they have never known anyone to just come out as genderfluid in their 40s. All the narratives they are familiar with seem to start with, “I knew back when I was a kid that I was trans*.” They don’t understand. They think this is sudden. They feel that this goes against the person they knew before. I was so feminine. How could I just flip a switch and cut off all my hair and then start wearing “masculine” clothing like that is who I have been all along?
The common narrative is just COMMON. It isn’t the ONLY narrative. There are as many ways to be trans* as there are trans* people.  I didn’t feel a need to shift at 40. I could fit in the box that I had made for myself. It was roomy and comfortable. Six months ago, my world turned upside down and I decided that I didn’t want to be in a box, no matter how comfortable. Living my experience as it comes to me and being as fully me as I can be is important.
I DON’T KNOW AND DON’T CARE IF I WAS BORN THIS WAY.
I DECIDED AT 41 THAT GENDERFLUID IS AN IDENTITY THAT FITS ME.
YES, I DECIDED.
Read that once more.
CHOOSING MY GENDER IDENTITY DOESN’T INVALIDATE MY GENDER IDENTITY.
Being genderfluid is not a disease. There is no need to search for the cause that has this identity as the result. There is no reason to pathologize my choice.
This is who I am and I accept myself and all my identities.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Big Love

Love is dynamic, like a swirling fog. It is not static. We experience it differently with every person we love. We describe it differently depending on our current moment, what thoughts are currently in the front of our brains.

I enjoy that Kyle is a writer. I enjoy how he describes his love for me in all the different ways. I love that while he might focus on one thing one day, he will focus on something different another day.

I am revisiting what love is. When I told my step-father my feelings for Kyle, he started to cry. He said that is how he felt about my mother. (Yes, I will write about my feelings for Kyle at a different time that is not now.) He told me that is True Love and that I should do the work necessary to hold it in an open hand, because it is precious.

----------Original Message----------
From: Kyle
Date: Feb 18, 2015 6:48 PM
Subject: how I love you
To: Red
Cc:

Red

I love you. I love you to the ends of the Universe and back. I love you to before the Big Bang and until the end of time and matter.

I love you like I love my freckles...

*hint: it's a lot.

I love you for your patience, for your love, for your enthusiasm, for your sweetness, for your strength.

I love your skin and your bones and your muscles and your hair and your teeth and your wetness and your hardness.

I love you fully - mind, soul, body, spirit.

All of you, baby, that's what I love.