Thursday, December 29, 2016

NY NY Second Post: Intermediate Goals to Meet Your Big Goals

So, while I am still in process of cleaning house, the main part of my work space is sparkly clean and better organized. I have asked Kali, Brigid, and יהוה to help me let go of my big rock so I can dive deeper, expand as needed, and go forth.

Go forth into what? Witchery, relating, and learning. Those are the three big goals for this year. One thing they all hold in common is the need for patience and organization.

I referred to Refinery29's article, New Year Resolution Ideas By Zodiac Sign 2017 Horoscope, written by Sara Coughlin based on information from Chani Nicholas and the Astrotwins, Tali and Ophira Edut. Capricorn is my Sun sign and Leo is my rising sign.

Capricorn: Be patient

Fess up, Cap — you hate it when things don't go according to plan. As the taskmaster of the Zodiac, you struggle to go with the flow sometimes, but next year is the time to give that a try. We won't make you relinquish control completely (because what Goat could do that?), but we will urge you to give everyone around you — and yourself — a little more wiggle room. Surprises are not the end of the world. They're just an opportunity for you to show off that quick Capricorn wit.

Leo: Get organized

“If you have your sun, moon, or ascendant in Leo or Aquarius, chances are this year will bring about an increase in activity in terms of what you are working on, developing, and healing within yourself," Nicholas said. In other words, now's the time to clean house, Leo. Rather than fueling the chaos (which, let's be honest, is sometimes your wont), hit the brakes and take stock of your goals, needs, and plans for the next year. Once 2017 is in full swing, you'll be ready to proceed full-speed ahead.

This could be your year — as long as you're prepared to receive it. 
In following NYNY, I need to break down the goals in to bite sized pieces, figure out the magic I want to use, use divination to suss out paths to success, and work with my spirits to help identify what is blocking you from your goal. <sarcasm> SUPER EASY! </sarcasm>

DID I MENTION I'M NEW AT THIS? However, I've been easing into these writing prompts, having already started thinking on them before I even read the prompt. So, I'll just jump in with the assumption that I'm doing this "right."

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Making Bread, Making Magic.

I am not a patient person. When it looks like I'm patient, it just means that I got distracted. The perfect example of this? The Christmas Cookie labels that I said I would get for Kyle. I said I would get them last year, or may be the year before. I worked on it for a few weeks, got distracted, and didn't think about it again until just last week, when my Christmas Cookie Tin arrived, with it's old label and Kyle's dead name.

Getting into my kitchen Witchery, I think a necessary skill is baking bread. Which any gluten free/intolerant/allergic Witch could tell you is ridiculous. And the they would be correct.

I think it is a necessary skill for me, as it is a skill that I have decided to learn to help me cultivate patience. I'm working the bread like I work magic. While I know that statement is true, I'm not really sure what it means. I don't think I work magic like others do. I just know I'm magic and the statement sounds factually correct.

So today, I am making the challah from America's Test Kitchen Family Cookbook. It's a milchig challah, because all the bread in this book has to have milk in it (makes a very tender loaf). Jewish challah recipes are pareve, so you can serve it with meat or dairy. I don't keep kosher, but I think about it when I eat. I'm not sure why. I like the idea of thinking on our food, though the rules of kashrut don't make sense to me. I'm sure there were reasons. I'm not convinced that the projection of our current food concerns back on the past decisions is accurate. I think the laws were less about food safety and more about encouraging appropriate behavior. 

Right now, the challah is almost finished with the first rising.

...

and just became Cinnamon Raisin Rolls.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

NY NY, First Post, I'm a Beginner

I've been feeling a pull to my Witchy side, which is not to be confused with my Jew-ish side, although they might be working together on this.

Because of my recent involvement with some Witch friends, I was introduced to Deborah M. Castellano and her blog, Charmed, I'm Sure.

Last night was the Winter Solstice. As I was totally wiped out from last weekend and all the shenanigans, I didn't let my candle burn down all the way. So this morning, I lit it again. I started to straighten up my apartment. I started recycling holiday cards I would never use, while saving the envelopes for my child, who loves sending letters, or at least writing them.  I was trying to make some space so I could do the thing: the first prompt for New Year, New You: NY NY: Making Way.

And of course, as I sat down to read it, I realized that I had already started. More than that, I had started at the "right time" of a waning moon, and also on a fucking Wednesday. Which is more synchronicity in a space of time where such synchronicities are happening in rapid succession with so many of the people in my life.

The suggested deities are listed as: Ganesha, Janus, Kali, Eostre, Bridget. I'm not sure what that means. However, whenever I hear/read "Kali" I mentally finish it with "the destroyer." That seems important. And I'm Irish, so any time I hear/read Bridget, I think of my mental images of Ireland, which feels like home. So, I guess I have some deities to hang with on this.

So, I'm not sure what doing this will get me, and I'm mostly just looking for clarity in my life path.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Making Choices

I choose you.
I said that to Kyle last year, on the way home from a concert.
I was sharing my experience of getting divorced. I felt at once excited by the possibilities of the new perception I had of my life, while feeling devastated at the loss of my marriage which I have viewed as my single largest life failure.
I have not felt that I was free to make my own decisions, to forge my own path, to go my own way. This divorce has altered my perception because I now realize that those things have always been true.
I have spent so much of my life scapegoating my house or my wife or my job or my family or my debt or anything other than myself for being trapped in an unhappy life circumstance.
With Kyle I do not share a home. I do not share finances. I do not share children. I do not have any of the societal trappings/regalia/indicators of a relationship with him. And without those things I would have been tempted to feel that we don't have a "real" relationship.
And yet I am tied to him as surely as I have ever been tied to anyone.
I choose this relationship, every single day.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Infidelity in Polyamorous Relationships

fi·del·i·ty

noun: fidelity
faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief, demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support.


Antonyms for fidelity

  • disloyalty
  • faithlessness
  • inconstancy
  • lying
  • treachery
  • unsteadiness
  • vacillation
  • wavering
  • infidelity

When our culture thinks of infidelity, they are generally thinking of sexual infidelity of monogamous relationships. In a monogamous relationship, one of the default relationship agreements is that you don't have sex with anyone other than your monogamous partner.

When you are involved in polyam relationships, ideally you would create your relationship agreements with with your partner. Perhaps you would take time to reassess periodically, shoring up or changing agreements which no longer work for you and your partner.

You would think polyam agreements would be easy to keep. After all, you were both clear about what you could agree to, right? However, these agreements are not any easier to keep than any other relationship agreements and these agreements do get broken. When these agreements are broken, trust has been broken. You or your partner has broken faith with what you have created together. Sometimes it is a small thing. Other times it is a big thing. It is always subjective. Regardless, it is betrayal; it is infidelity.

As a culture, we are very sensitive to sexual infidelity, so much so that we forget that there are other ways to betray the people we love.

What are ways you have been betrayed? How have you sorted through it? Did you recover, and how did that work for you? Please comment and share your experiences with me.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Thursday Dinner: Fat White Kid Observes Thanksgiving

Last year, I wrote this post about Thanksgiving. This year, Native Americans are fighting DAPL in freezing temperatures and being tortured with concussion grenades, water canons, rubber bullets, bean bags, mace and tear gas. Activist celebrities will host Thanksgiving Dinner at the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation.

And at my house, I am hosting dinner for my family and friends. This observance has space for love, and fear, and gratitude, and activism. I do not know if there will be a time when I cease to observe this dinner. I have so many ties to it through my family and loved ones. The one thing I am doing is minimizing the impact of this dinner on me. I no longer take off the whole week to prepare. I do not serve 101 side dishes. I use the word "observe" rather than "celebrate." I realize these are small actions. I realize that I have to start somewhere. I realize that immediately cutting myself off from things that are important to me does not work for me.

I hope that someday my daughter will let go of it completely, finishing the path that I have started.


Friday, November 18, 2016

White Person Tears.

It's 4:59 a.m. I am rarely awake at this hour. Last night, I had a conversation with Kyle before bed. For me, the main point of our conversation was distilled to the following sentence:
"I do not feel important when you erase me from your life."
I woke up with this simple and relatable quote forcefully banging around in my head.

I say relatable because you can replace the word important with loved, cared for, respected, cherished, valued, seen as human.

You can replace the word life with vision, city, state, nation, memory, history.

You could even replace the whole phrase erase m from your life with ignore my existence, minimize my pain, devalue my contributions, vandalize my property with hateful words, intimidate me with threats of physical violence, beat me for being different. 


I am a white person in the United States. I am always racist.
If you are a white person in the United State, you are always racist.
Let us not be complacent, let us consistently do better.
When we stumble, let us get up and to do better.
When we fail, let us start over and do better.
When we need support, let us gather together, cry our white tears, and do better.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Non-Monogamy For Monogamous Folks, Part 1: Resources.

Recently, I received a request from a friend of mine regarding polyamory. She found herself dating a gentleman, who was dating another woman and planned to keep dating both of them. Her default was to hand him his walking papers, because that's what women are conditioned to do in the United States. She asked for blogs and other resources so she could dig into it. She was concerned that she was setting herself up for heartbreak.

I think it safe to say for many folks over the age of 3, heartbreak is a part of life. We often try to insure against it as we age because it is so painful. After two divorces and numerous breakups, I think it's pretty safe to say that monogamy is NOT insurance against heartbreak.

If you find yourself in similar circumstances, you can refer to my list of non-monogamy resources:
You might notice that "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy is not on the list and neither is Franklin Veaux's book, "More Than Two." You might notice there aren't any books at all. There is a reason for that. Books are snapshots for places in time. I think that is useful for fiction and less so for non-fiction. Updating is close to impossible. Bloggers have the ability to update easily as they go and also immediately redress mistakes.  I think that is important, especially when you are starting out, or find yourself in a relationship with a polyamorous/non-monogamous person.

There are plenty of other bloggers out there, talking about polyamory/non-monogamy. Use Google or your favorite search engine. Read first person accounts. Join groups on Facebook. Ultimately, it might not be ok for you. AND THAT IS OK! Do the research and figure out how you want to work your life.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Missing Loves That Have Crossed Over: A Piece On My Continuing Grief.

I feel so weird, and yet grounded, today; like grounded in a way that means my terrestrial body won't fly away and get lost.  I feel grounded like the foundation of a building helps it stand tall through all sorts of challenges. I feel grounded like I belong to a part of the world; like I could get lost in the property behind my apartment and just meld in with the trees and squirrels and birds and bugs and spiders and dirt and leaves and rain and green, red, yellow, brown, and orange.

I hear that this time of year, the veil is thinnest and i had dreamt about trying to get away from large crowds of poeple who descended on my home where I was comfortably living out my life with my chosen family. I kept trying to hide from them. They kept multiplying until I couldn't find anyone I knew. I felt overwhelmed, unable to be alone, and irritated. I kept looking for our matriarch, but couldn't find her.

When I woke up, I felt sad. I felt achy. I miss my mother. I miss her being her so she could tell me that my child is just like me. I miss her seeing the strides my child makes as she grows and develops into an amazing human being. I miss her being here so I could tell her, "I AM a good parent." and show her, too, because she didn't believe that I could be a good parent. That knowledge still hurts. and like Megan Devine said,
"Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."
And now, when the veil is thinnest (why IS that? How do we KNOW that?) WHY CAN'T I FIND HER TO TELL HER ALL THE THINGS?

And why do I want to show her I'm a good parent? She can't take back the thing she said 15 years ago. I can't unfeel the hurt. Even now it stabs at me at odd times. I can only carry it and I wish I could put it down.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Innocuous Actions

The other day, you set up my coffee for me. It was the first time in a long time. You didn't realize that I had updated the auto-start by an hour, in the hopes that I would actually get out of bed that early. You commented on it, "Do you really want this set for 6:00 a.m.?"

I replied in the affirmative, and the next morning I reveled in the miracle that is coffee, brewed with love. The sound of the machine starting up; click, click, tsssss, drip, drip, dribble. A few minutes later, the scent of the 7 different flavors of coffee drifting into my room. I mix and grind it like you taught me; it's a delightful concoction of all the things I like best about coffee. And when I finally got out of bed, and poured my cup with cream and sugar, I felt loved and achy all at the same time.

The ache was in my heart, recalling a time when you refused to let a day pass without making my coffee. If you visited for lunch, you made it. If you came over in the evening, you made it. Sometimes, you would drop by just to make it for me. We had sweet rituals around it.

After a while, those rituals soured and we flexed and shifted. We removed the rituals, and the habit faded.

I miss it. Did you feel taken for granted? Was it too much pressure to perform? I want to ask you what happened, but it's just coffee. Why get twisted about it? Why? I applied meaning to your action. Making coffee =  making love. When you tapered off, I noticed. I did not remark, because life things were swirling all around and you say "I love you" in so many other ways.

It's never been just coffee to me, though. And, as I said, I miss this particular way that you have shown your love. I don't know how to bring it up, so I took the coward's way out and wrote it here.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

#realtalk #IPEEWHENISQUIRT


It has taken me a year to write this blog post. When the news came out, I was so angry that I was an incoherent mass of rage.
I squirt during sex, OFTEN. Sometimes, there is pee and sometimes there is not, and I notice it based on smell, though also sometimes on color. As a person who sometimes pees while having an orgasm, I was not particularly offended by the pseudo-science (Sample size is 7, for fuck's sake)  article stating that squirting may actually be pee. I felt relieved. I am not alone.
However, I was incredibly offended by the response posted here
"Also, WHO FUCKING CARES what the chemical make-up of the ejaculate is?! Are we trying to “prove” it’s pee so we can keep shaming people for doing it?"
Well, it's obvious to me that YOU fucking care, Epiphora, because you started this whole fucking hashtag #NOTPEE.

I won't be silenced because you appear to think pee is gross. Regardless of the chemical make up of the squirting fluid, you still need mattress protectors, chux pads, or some other way to clean up. Regardless of the chemical make up, IT'S STILL A FUCKING AWESOME ORGASM.

So for all the folx out there who think they might pee when they squirt, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Never Say Never: More Gender Stuff

Genderfluid: all the variations of the binary genders, switching and flowing around. This is how I came out in my trans journey. It doesn't really apply. Sometimes this applies.

Genderqueer: all the variations of all the genders, without regard to what society defines as feminine/female or masculine/male. This is how I currently see myself.  I still use they/them pronouns.

Sometimes I eschew binary gendering of my person. Sometimes I like nail polish, cargo shorts, jeans, lipstick, eyeliner, facial shaving. It all shifts around, but I don't feel girly if I do/wear feminine things. I don't feel boyish if I do/wear masculine things. Generally, I don't feel gendered in my presentation. Sometimes I do feel gendered. Today, I'm feeling "girly."

Why do I bring this up? Because the other day I read an article that was posted by my friend. Koren Helberg wrote an article for The Guardian regarding a quarterly publication out of Melbourne, Australia. Butch Is Not A Dirty Word is produced by Esther Godoy and photographed by Georgia Smedley.

The conversation we had surrounding the ideas of femininity and masculinity put me in deeply thoughtful place. I would not call myself masculine. However, I have never been delicate. I have never been soft. I have never been gentle. I have never been graceful. I have never been any of the qualities that are associated with femininity, either.

As much as I would like to permanently remove gender norms from behaviors and presentations, I cannot ignore my lived experience. I cannot ignore the work I did to get good with all the feminine things my body did, even though I hated most of it. I cannot ignore the path I have walked, in this body that I saw as womanly, because I had no other words to describe it. I cannot ignore that my fat body did not draw catcalls even though it drew verbal harassment because it has always been fat. I cannot ignore the ways I was ridiculed because I wasn't ever girly enough, pretty enough, womanly enough for the male gaze.

I'm still thinking on the topic. I'll likely have more to say.  And for now, it is enough that I can, once again, hope for a place where we can all be who we are, even when it's contradictory.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Rejection: Just Say Thank You

In the past two years, I've been practicing accepting rejection and I've gotten plenty of it. Some people give me reasons, some don't. They all have one thing in common; they have declined to meet up with me. Rejection is a funny thing. We take it so personally, and yet it has so little to do with us as people, especially when dealing with online dating.

I extend the invite to meet, in the hopes that my profile and the brief patter of chatting will engage the other person enough to show up so we can dive deep into the conversations of the things that catch and hold our attention. What things are we passionate about? Do we have overlap? What are differences and what can we learn from those differences?

The most recent rejection was particularly disheartening. Her profile was engaging and her smile enchanting and I really wanted to have a 3 hour coffee session with her, talking about ALL THE THINGS. Her rejection was kind and soft and she included an explanation. In it, she explained that she didn't think our styles of poly are compatible.

In that moment I felt like I was not enough, unlovable, broken, ugly, less than, and whole host of  ugly, yucky things. I wanted to do ANYTHING to make it stop. Because her rejection prompted all this, if she would change her mind, then I would be all better and none of those things would be true.

All of those thoughts happened in a moment, a split second. All of the things I told myself were lies. They were lies I TOLD TO MYSELF.

When we are rejected, all the ugly we bring up is from our own hearts and minds.

What is the best response when we are rejected? How do we weather that internal storm?

Hit reply and say, "Thank you."

Monday, August 29, 2016

Gender Identity: A Journey

Genderfluid: all the variations of the binary genders, switching and flowing around. This is how I came out in my trans journey. It doesn't really apply.

Genderqueer: all the variations of all the genders, without regard to what society defines as feminine/female or masculine/male. This is how I currently see myself.  I still use they/them pronouns.

I eschew binary gendering of my person. Sometimes I like nail polish, cargo shorts, jeans, lipstick, eyeliner, facial shaving. It all shifts around, but I don't feel girly if I do/wear feminine things. I don't feel boyish if I do/wear masculine things.

With just over a year of testosterone therapy, I have achieved three of my four hopes: I have a deeper voice. I have a smallish cock/largish clit. I no longer menstruate. The facial hair is more patient to appear than I would have wanted.

I have also achieved several other things that I did not want. I have a large amount of belly fat, which has creeped up to just under my breasts and all the way down to my mons. In and of itself, the belly is perfect and round and beautiful. However, with more of it just below my breasts, I breathe differently. The body memory from my old body is no longer reliable, which makes breathing difficult and uncomfortable.

My hairline is receding faster than my facial hair is coming in. I'm vain about my hair.

I have joint pain and numbness that I didn't have before. I believe it is because the tissues that can still grow did so, trapped in bones that could not grow. If I followed the male pattern of my family, I would have been nearly a foot taller than I am, with all the connective tissues that go along with a person of that size. However, I am 5' 5", not 6' 2". My bones and body cannot accommodate the connective tissues of a person that tall and I ache all the time.

I despise the cyclical nature of my T shot every two weeks. The breakouts, the moody, the discomfort. It's wearing on me. I'm tired of it. It's remarkably like my menstrual cycle. WTF? Why trade one in for another. It doesn't make sense.

I've stopped taking my shots. I'm on edge, scared about my menstrual cycle starting up again. I know that my body fat will redistribute, but my hair line won't come back. I don't think the numbness and joint pain will go away, but it also won't get any worse.

This sucks. I know testosterone is not a magic bullet. I really wish it had been.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Solo Poly: Romantically Monogamous?

On my OKC profile, I state the following in my self summary: "I currently identify as romantically monogamous and sexually non-monogamous."

What might you think when you read that? Someone who doesn't want to be romantic with you? Someone who is only looking for sex? Someone who doesn't mix sex and romance? Someone who is in a hierarchical relationship?

This sentence in my profile was the deciding factor for the most recent rejection I received on OKC. The rejection was kind, with a detailed explanation about how our poly styles are probably not compatible. I had to wonder, what was I really trying to accomplish by stating I'm romantically monogamous?

Maybe I should go back a bit. When I first arrived in Olympia, I dated a woman for a few weeks. I loved her. As we came together, I didn't pay particular attention to how either of us wanted our relationship to work. I over-committed regarding the amount of attention I could give her, and ended up failing to deliver.  I was totally surprised at how it ended, uncertain why I didn't feel that I could explain that I didn't have the energy to engage, on any level, so frequently.

I avoided forming new relationships, had a bit of NSA sex, and updated my OKC profile with the information, "I currently identify as romantically monogamous and sexually non-monogamous."

Since that update, I have experienced a few things that have me attempting to describe where I am with regard to poly. I had one beautiful, romantic, NSA sexual experience with a person that still warms my heart when I think on it. I've had countless conversations with Kyle and others on how romance fits into my sexuality. Then I read this article by Lola Phoenix. The following quote resonated with me on a deep level.
"Relationships are people deciding to commit to each other in whatever way commitment means to them."
Struck by a sudden realization, I understood that I'm not adverse to romantic entanglements. Many of my friendships involve some sort of romantic feelings on my part, though not always sexual. What I needed to do is be clear about the TIME COMMITMENT I am able to give to any one person.

I see Kyle as my partner, specifically my primary romantic and sexual partner. I call him my primary because the schedule and routines I share with him take up much of my time and energy.  I like it that way. I know that I cannot give that much time to another person; I just don't have the energy.

I also know that I love people. When I am with them, I do my best to be with them. I focus my energy and time and attention on that person. I'm still figuring out how to explain that on my OKC profile. I haven't figured it out, yet, because I have difficulty believing that will be enough for some folks, so I cut myself off from the option.

:headdesk:

Monday, August 1, 2016

Parenting....UGH.

I recently made a decision that I have to feed myself food that actually helps me feel good. I didn't want to be one of those parents that made different meals for all the family members, so I've fallen out of the habit of making myself feel-good food.  Why might this happen?
 
It's EXHAUSTING to suss out how to work around the notoriously picky eating habits of my sweet Baby Femme. It ended up being easier for me to fix things that she likes than telling her, "go hungry if you don't want what I make." Battling the hangry 4 year old is not on my list of favorite things.
 
I feel like a failure. I feel like a bad parent. I feel tired all the time.
 
So, I decided that I would just make food that fuels me and sparks my energy. And my kid can eat that other stuff that I can't eat any longer.
 
She might come around. She might not. We're different people with different needs for our bodies. I just know that I can't be the kind of parent I want to be if I can't get out of bed.
 

Monday, July 25, 2016

Solo Polyamory: Thoughts On My Path



When I originally started on my poly path, I had no fucking clue what I was doing. I started solo by circumstance. Kyle is in a marriage that works for him and his family. I was never under any illusions that he would change this part of his life. So I made a relationship agreement with him: "I will take all of what you can give, and no more."

This agreement worked out really well in the beginning. He was relieved to accept it, as he had often felt stressed when his non-nesting partners would ask for more than he could give. It was a good place for me to start working on envy and jealousy. They are different and both have given me a run for my money over my lifetime.

I coasted along, learning how to cope with my less pleasant emotions. Every now and again, I would feel a pinch when I really needed someone to be there because I just needed a person who loved me in the house, nearby.  I read blogs, joined solo groups, joined poly groups. I paid attention to the experiences they shared. I learned so much and became aware of more thoughts and feelings. I defined the key things I need in relationships.

When the new year rang in, I let Kyle know that I wanted to look over the way we do things. I wanted to set intentions for the future. I wanted to take a look at where we had been, what had worked for us and what needed revamping.I wanted to rehash our agreement, find things that worked for both of us.

I was ready to talk; he was ready to think on it. He thought about it for a long time. He thought about it for a really long time. He kept thinking about it. He thought about some more. Six months later he was still thinking about it...right up until I told him that it couldn't wait any longer. That was the night I told him, crying with snot on my face, the agreement no longer worked for me. I had given him permission to take me for granted and now I was rescinding that permission. (You can read about that here.)

I was in tears because I was terrified. Even with the uneven distribution of power in our relationship, it was still the best relationship I had ever had. We could talk and process and listen and ALL THE THINGS. I was terrified that he would decide that our relationship wouldn't work for him if our original agreement wasn't in place.

I AM MORE PROUD OF MYSELF FOR THAT THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW.

Stating my needs, out loud, regardless of the outcome...
Let me tell you...it took all of my energy and courage to say those things.
AND it was the first time IN MY LIFE that I had chosen ALIGNMENT with my values over my insecure need to be in a romantic relationship.

It was the FIRST TIME in my life that I had chosen ALIGNMENT WITH MY VALUES over my insecure need to be in a romantic relationship.

It was the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE that I had chosen ALIGNMENT WITH MY VALUES OVER MY INSECURE NEED TO BE IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.

That pride has locked in the transition of my solo by circumstance to my solo by intention.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

So much...everything...aka Word Vomit

I don't know where to begin, so I'll just start typing...relationship restructuring, abnormal pap results, a rapist I know, solo poly, parenting, co-parenting, work woes, having only $35 until my next payday, a sweetie whose reality of "tenuous finances" still includes buying a car for the teen in the house, the awkward and uncomfortable ways my body is changing on T, and that is just the stuff in my immediate life.

Then there is the escalating police brutality towards brown and black folks, the election shitshow 2016, the open and escalating violence of white folks against brown and black folks, PULSE (and the "findings" that it was not  QUILTBAG hate crime, even though everyone in the QUILTBAG knows they have a target on them every time they go to a queer club, ESPECIALLY if they are brown, black, and gender varient).

It's all so overwhelming. And there is more. so much more.

and it's all been swirling in me and I've not been able to get a handle on it and I want to get it out and so far, this is all I have.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Dreaming Is Work

This is th third time this week that I have had a dream that was nothing but heavy processing. Do you know the kind? How when you wake up, it is always too early, and you are always too tired, because the dream itself was so much work?

The focus on this dream? My relationship with Sister-Friend.When we were 21, we moved to Columbus, OH. We got jobs, made messes, I left after a year to come home to the PNW.

Four years ago, she and I had a talk. Things were especially fraught between us. She unloaded nearly 20 years of frustrations revolving around my behaviors, specifically all the things I had done in the previous 3 or 4 years that she felt were especially fucked up. I still think about that conversation. I still think about how unfair it felt. I still feel angry because she justified it by saying her therapist said it was ok.

I agree that her feelings are valid.

I think that her break up could have been kinder.

I still miss her sometimes. Not often, but when the missing her does strike, I ache so deeply in my heart I don't have a way to describe it. I spent over half my life being friends with her, though as time moves on, this statement becomes less true.

I've not been willing to open up like that with anyone else, and no one else knows those years of my life like she does. Maybe I miss the joint history, I'm not really sure.

I am certain that today I ache.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

I Just Can't Even!

Brock, I wish I could get your fucking face out of my mind. You are culmination, and the current face, of intersecting privilege in America today. You are white, cis-male, rich, college educated, and heterosexual. Even though you were caught IN THE ACT of raping an UNCONSCIOUS WOMAN behind a dumpster, you were essentially absolved of your crime with the laughable sentence of 6 months.

I wonder, what would the sentence be if I was caught behind the dumpster, raping your unconscious ass with my biggest strap-on?

And then I am reminded of my friend, accused of raping several women by using trickery to have sex with them. And how the details of that seem somehow less horrendous, because they consented under false pretenses. And how shitty I feel because I know that rape is under-reported, rarely prosecuted, and when prosecuted they aren't always convicted. This is why I believe survivors of rape and sexual assault and now, the accusation is aimed at my friend and I don't know what to think, because I want to believe he is innocent, and the statistics don't back that up at all.

And I am worried for my daughter, growing up in this world where rape and sexual assault happen because people don't see other people as a people, they see bodies as objects. I am also scared, because her life can be cut short in an eye-blink, like my other friends and their son. He was killed in a motor vehicle accident yesterday and I am reminded how short life can be.

and I just can't even and I wonder how the survivors continue on.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Don't Read This (But I Actually Want You to Read It and Agree With Me)

Right now, I want to hate you for being totally fine with how things have been situated, but it is not your fault that all the agreements that I made 18 months ago are no longer serving me. It is not your fault that I made agreements and offered myself to be taken for granted. Who wouldn't want that in a lover? It makes things easy because I have chosen to roll with the punches.

I made them, because they were easy to make at the beginning. They felt good to make at the time, the place, the way I was living, and the things that I needed. And now 18 months later, they ache. The agreements I made allow you to take me for granted. The agreements I made allow your family to take me for granted. I put myself in this position and now I need to shift.

You said that you have heard me, and I think that is true. And I wonder, can you actually forge new agreements? I don't know that you can, and that scares me. I feel afraid.

When we spoke tonight, I broke things into dichotomies. I know that life is more complex than that, and still, dichotomies serve a purpose. Yes or no? They answer the question, because "maybe" isn't always an option. In many cases, it isn't an option at all.

I want a set amount of time, sacrosanct, just for us. Do you want the same thing? Yes or no? In this, there is no maybe.

I want my needs and wants to be present in your mind, as yours are present in mine.

I want to part of your everyday life, helping where I can, because the presence of happiness and ease in your life is important to me.

I want your wife to be a priority, and I don't want that to mean I fall by the wayside.

I want your family to be a priority, and I don't want that to mean I fall by the wayside.

I want to be a priority, and I want you to make a stand about our relationship. I know you won't. It's not in your nature. I want it anyway.

I want you to have ideas and opinions about us and our relationship. What is important about us? Why are you in this? What can you not live without?

I want to be essential to you, because you are essential to me.

Monday, May 30, 2016

Fat Kid Goes Hiking: McLane Creek 05.30.16

Well, it's the unofficial start of summer 2016. I always joke that I don't hike, I walk; I don't walk, I mosey. With that in mind, I decided to start "Fat Kid Goes Hiking." I enjoy getting out in nature, looking at wildlife like birds, amphibians, and reptiles. I also enjoy looking at the plants and attempting to identify them. It's a special treat to enjoy them with my love.

Today, Kyle and I went for an easy hike at McLane Creek. I thought it was funny that they call it McLane Creek because you're actually hiking around a beaver pond and don't see much of the creek at all.
We saw dragonflies, red-wing blackbirds, a juvenile marsh wren, newts (we thought they were salamanders, at first), garter snakes, and ducks. 

As we walked along, happy to be in each other's company, we shared about recent hiccups in our relationship and how we could meet both of our needs going forward. Sharing like this, with vulnerability and intention, is very important to me. Taking this time away, to a place where the only thing that needed to get done was to see all the beauty, was a perfect respite to bring up the hiccups and work through them with kindness and love, as well as making room for revisions if our strategies didn't work how we needed them to work.

Sharing emotional closeness also turns me on and encourages me to share physical/sexual closeness. We had some exciting quicky-sex along the trail, as you do, or maybe that's just us.  We took the shorter loop (0.6 miles) that stays close to the pond and there is one viewing platform just to the pond side of the path. Because it is the railway trail, it is long and straight, so it is very easy for you to keep watch to either side and put yourselves together before anyone gets close enough to see what you're doing.

This trail was well shaded, no elevation gain, and relatively short. It was an easy hike for this Fat Kid and I recommend it!

Thursday, May 26, 2016

The Root Issue: You Don't See Me

I love discussions with Kyle. One thing that has come up recently is the idea of our chosen people not seeing us, or vital parts of us, and how it is still painful months, and sometime YEARS later.

Looking back on my previous three relationships, the thing that hurt most of all was not actually the lack of sex, which is one of my needs. It was the way my partners didn't see me. My sex drive was abnormal and less valuable than other forms of intimacy.

In monogamous relationships, the person with the higher sex drive is the one who must compromise, because consent is paramount. No one should be forced into sex. And this is where it gets tricky and people think the issue is all about sex.

In my experience, I complained about the lack of sex. Yet, the true hurt was how I was shamed for my desire. The hurt was my lack of visibility in the relationship. The hurt revolved around part of me being so disdained that it grew to disdain of all of me. My partners were not okay with a core part of who I am, which is why all those relationships ended. It's like, "I love all of you, except that one thing." What that really means is "I don't love you at all."

People are whole beings. We have amazingly complicated lives. We have more facets than you can imagine and if you can't accept the whole person, if you can't love the whole person, then you don't truly love them. This doesn't mean my partners had to have sex with me more often. It means they had to acknowledge and love me, as I am, even if they did not want to have sex with me. It also means that I have to acknowledge and love them, as they are, even if they did not want to have sex with me.

This is a topic I revisit cyclically, this not being seen and loved for my high sex drive self. Each time I revisit, I draw parallels to other ways of not being seen, of not being valued with a focus on gender and sexual orientation. Right now, I am watching a friend of mine trying to forge their path, making compromise after compromise because his partner cannot see his gender, refuses to see his gender, because of reasons only she knows. I project my experiences onto what I see because it is so close to my heart and I ache for him. All I can do is reassure him that I see him, because anything more wouldn't be helpful. I wonder if that is enough.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Playing Outside the Lines

One thing that Kyle and I do is kink. We are both masochists and both sadists and we play well together. We have many of the same kinks. We have nearly 18  months of playing well together.

I revel in kinky play with romantic partners. So much so, that prior to this past weekend, I cannot recall an actual scene that I have played outside of romantic partnership. This may seem normative, or maybe not. I guess it depends on your lived experience.

But getting back to the point of this post...When Kyle and I attended KinkFest 2016, I volunteered at the check-in desk. I love the energy of it. All the people, so excited for all the classes and the dungeon and the parties and the vendor mall. It's beautiful and amazing and awesome. I always meet awesome folx and this year I met The Violinist. Our eyes connected and we met with matching smiles, wicked and joyous, covered in glitter, perhaps a recognition...perhaps not. We shared a charming interlude as I completed the check in process.

The Violinist possesses an energy that draws me in. As the weekend progressed, we saw each other here and there. I watched for a bit while they played in the dungeon. I took note when they were nearby. My smile was always met with a smile when our eyes met, the spark evident in the twinkle of our eyes. After the weekend, we connected as people often do, on social media. We chatted about this and that, including our desire to know each other better, and perhaps connect.

Last weekend, we connected up north, after dizzying rounds of
Haiku Kink Courting
Sharing art and desire and
Curiosity

I played outside the lines. I broke open the place where I had been hiding. I broke the seal. It was the first time I played outside of the lines and I made some mistakes. When we're trying a new activity, we often make mistakes.

  • I didn't know all of what I needed for aftercare.
  • I hadn't communicated that bilateral evenness of impact is important to me. The more intense the impact, the more important the evenness.
  • I didn't ask what The Violinist needed for aftercare.
All in all, I took some great lessons away from our play session. I like stinging more than thuddy. I like hard thud, the kind that will move my body. I like that my body feels like a fine instrument in their hands.

I'm excited to continue this new path and learning the things that making playing outside the lines easier as time passes and I gain more experience.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Update, because it's been a while.

HOT DAMN! I have the internet again!

I'm swimming through my apartment, the humid day reminiscent of Florida, but only just barely. I know I was hotter and sweatier in Florida than I am here.

My ex-wife has moved to the area with her newest child and our child, so Baby Femme is closer to me. It has made our custody arrangement much more flexible and more manageable. It has also freed up about 30 hours per month, which I am using to recharge and venture further out in my dating and kink adventures.

Kyle and I attended KinkFest this in March of this year. Many thanks to The Knife for the use of her apartment as a landing pad. As I did in 2011, I volunteered at the check-in desk, and met many delightful people in the process. I thrive on that job. I love it like crazy! Also, I was introduced to many of the presenters, which is also fabulous.  I always want to do that job! Always!!!

We also paid a visit to BSPC in Bellingham last week for Daddy Crone's whip intensive, delish! We followed the class with a visit to CSPC for the Blood, Sweat, and Queers party. I love a switch night, which this was. I don't generally restrain Kyle when whack him with my tools. I like him to have freedom to move as necessary. I  also like the extra work it takes him to not strike back.  We had a great time and I anticipate a recap to be published over at Kyle's blog, Butchtastic.net in the near future.

That's about it for now.

Thanks for reading.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

My Trans Embodiment

I'm thinking of my enby embodiment. I've been taking Testosterone for nearly 8 months.

I feel like I've been living with a cold for this entire time as my voice drops in fits and starts. I feel youthful embarrassment when my voice cracks, or fails to make any sound at all.

I'm starting to feel the changes to my hips and stomach as my fat redistributes itself. I have a jacket that now fits around my hips and shirts made so tight that the "belly button" never stays buttoned.

I see and feel the changes in my skin as it erupts in acne. Sometimes it erupts in places where it didn't erupt the first time I went through puberty. 

My joints started aching as parts of my body that can still grow rub elbows with parts that finished growing decades ago.

My muscles are yearning, though I'm not quite sure what they want. They have gotten bigger. I think they've been working out without me, stealing away in the deepest part of night to pump iron while I sleep. 

I feel with my whole body that it has now grown into a place where my previous knowledge of my body is not enough to take care of it. My body has changed enough that it feels like I moved and I have to figure the quirks of the new layout that is now my home. 

A quiet part of me nags that I am not trans enough,  that if I was truly trans,  I would know what to do. 

Shut up,  Quiet Part! You don't know shit about this.