Gender Identity: A Journey

Genderfluid: all the variations of the binary genders, switching and flowing around. This is how I came out in my trans journey. It doesn't really apply.

Genderqueer: all the variations of all the genders, without regard to what society defines as feminine/female or masculine/male. This is how I currently see myself.  I still use they/them pronouns.

I eschew binary gendering of my person. Sometimes I like nail polish, cargo shorts, jeans, lipstick, eyeliner, facial shaving. It all shifts around, but I don't feel girly if I do/wear feminine things. I don't feel boyish if I do/wear masculine things.

With just over a year of testosterone therapy, I have achieved three of my four hopes: I have a deeper voice. I have a smallish cock/largish clit. I no longer menstruate. The facial hair is more patient to appear than I would have wanted.

I have also achieved several other things that I did not want. I have a large amount of belly fat, which has creeped up to just under my breasts and all the way down to my mons. In and of itself, the belly is perfect and round and beautiful. However, with more of it just below my breasts, I breathe differently. The body memory from my old body is no longer reliable, which makes breathing difficult and uncomfortable.

My hairline is receding faster than my facial hair is coming in. I'm vain about my hair.

I have joint pain and numbness that I didn't have before. I believe it is because the tissues that can still grow did so, trapped in bones that could not grow. If I followed the male pattern of my family, I would have been nearly a foot taller than I am, with all the connective tissues that go along with a person of that size. However, I am 5' 5", not 6' 2". My bones and body cannot accommodate the connective tissues of a person that tall and I ache all the time.

I despise the cyclical nature of my T shot every two weeks. The breakouts, the moody, the discomfort. It's wearing on me. I'm tired of it. It's remarkably like my menstrual cycle. WTF? Why trade one in for another. It doesn't make sense.

I've stopped taking my shots. I'm on edge, scared about my menstrual cycle starting up again. I know that my body fat will redistribute, but my hair line won't come back. I don't think the numbness and joint pain will go away, but it also won't get any worse.

This sucks. I know testosterone is not a magic bullet. I really wish it had been.

Solo Poly: Romantically Monogamous?

On my OKC profile, I state the following in my self summary: "I currently identify as romantically monogamous and sexually non-monogamous."

What might you think when you read that? Someone who doesn't want to be romantic with you? Someone who is only looking for sex? Someone who doesn't mix sex and romance? Someone who is in a hierarchical relationship?

This sentence in my profile was the deciding factor for the most recent rejection I received on OKC. The rejection was kind, with a detailed explanation about how our poly styles are probably not compatible. I had to wonder, what was I really trying to accomplish by stating I'm romantically monogamous?

Maybe I should go back a bit. When I first arrived in Olympia, I dated a woman for a few weeks. I loved her. As we came together, I didn't pay particular attention to how either of us wanted our relationship to work. I over-committed regarding the amount of attention I could give her, and ended up failing to deliver.  I was totally surprised at how it ended, uncertain why I didn't feel that I could explain that I didn't have the energy to engage, on any level, so frequently.

I avoided forming new relationships, had a bit of NSA sex, and updated my OKC profile with the information, "I currently identify as romantically monogamous and sexually non-monogamous."

Since that update, I have experienced a few things that have me attempting to describe where I am with regard to poly. I had one beautiful, romantic, NSA sexual experience with a person that still warms my heart when I think on it. I've had countless conversations with Kyle and others on how romance fits into my sexuality. Then I read this article by Lola Phoenix. The following quote resonated with me on a deep level.

"Relationships are people deciding to commit to each other in whatever way commitment means to them."

Struck by a sudden realization, I understood that I'm not adverse to romantic entanglements. Many of my friendships involve some sort of romantic feelings on my part, though not always sexual. What I needed to do is be clear about the TIME COMMITMENT I am able to give to any one person.

I see Kyle as my partner, specifically my primary romantic and sexual partner. I call him my primary because the schedule and routines I share with him take up much of my time and energy.  I like it that way. I know that I cannot give that much time to another person; I just don't have the energy.

I also know that I love people. When I am with them, I do my best to be with them. I focus my energy and time and attention on that person. I'm still figuring out how to explain that on my OKC profile. I haven't figured it out, yet, because I have difficulty believing that will be enough for some folks, so I cut myself off from the option.

:headdesk:

Parenting....UGH.

I recently made a decision that I have to feed myself food that actually helps me feel good. I didn't want to be one of those parents that made different meals for all the family members, so I've fallen out of the habit of making myself feel-good food.  Why might this happen?

 

It's EXHAUSTING to suss out how to work around the notoriously picky eating habits of my sweet Baby Femme. It ended up being easier for me to fix things that she likes than telling her, "go hungry if you don't want what I make." Battling the hangry 4 year old is not on my list of favorite things.

 

I feel like a failure. I feel like a bad parent. I feel tired all the time.

 

So, I decided that I would just make food that fuels me and sparks my energy. And my kid can eat that other stuff that I can't eat any longer.

 

She might come around. She might not. We're different people with different needs for our bodies. I just know that I can't be the kind of parent I want to be if I can't get out of bed.