Never Say Never: More Gender Stuff

Genderfluid: all the variations of the binary genders, switching and flowing around. This is how I came out in my trans journey. It doesn't really apply. Sometimes this applies.

Genderqueer: all the variations of all the genders, without regard to what society defines as feminine/female or masculine/male. This is how I currently see myself.  I still use they/them pronouns.

Sometimes I eschew binary gendering of my person. Sometimes I like nail polish, cargo shorts, jeans, lipstick, eyeliner, facial shaving. It all shifts around, but I don't feel girly if I do/wear feminine things. I don't feel boyish if I do/wear masculine things. Generally, I don't feel gendered in my presentation. Sometimes I do feel gendered. Today, I'm feeling "girly."

Why do I bring this up? Because the other day I read an article that was posted by my friend. Koren Helberg wrote an article for The Guardian regarding a quarterly publication out of Melbourne, Australia. Butch Is Not A Dirty Word is produced by Esther Godoy and photographed by Georgia Smedley.

The conversation we had surrounding the ideas of femininity and masculinity put me in deeply thoughtful place. I would not call myself masculine. However, I have never been delicate. I have never been soft. I have never been gentle. I have never been graceful. I have never been any of the qualities that are associated with femininity, either.

As much as I would like to permanently remove gender norms from behaviors and presentations, I cannot ignore my lived experience. I cannot ignore the work I did to get good with all the feminine things my body did, even though I hated most of it. I cannot ignore the path I have walked, in this body that I saw as womanly, because I had no other words to describe it. I cannot ignore that my fat body did not draw catcalls even though it drew verbal harassment because it has always been fat. I cannot ignore the ways I was ridiculed because I wasn't ever girly enough, pretty enough, womanly enough for the male gaze.

I'm still thinking on the topic. I'll likely have more to say.  And for now, it is enough that I can, once again, hope for a place where we can all be who we are, even when it's contradictory.