Thursday Dinner: Fat White Kid Observes Thanksgiving

Last year, I wrote this post about Thanksgiving. This year, Native Americans are fighting DAPL in freezing temperatures and being tortured with concussion grenades, water canons, rubber bullets, bean bags, mace and tear gas. Activist celebrities will host Thanksgiving Dinner at the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation.

And at my house, I am hosting dinner for my family and friends. This observance has space for love, and fear, and gratitude, and activism. I do not know if there will be a time when I cease to observe this dinner. I have so many ties to it through my family and loved ones. The one thing I am doing is minimizing the impact of this dinner on me. I no longer take off the whole week to prepare. I do not serve 101 side dishes. I use the word "observe" rather than "celebrate." I realize these are small actions. I realize that I have to start somewhere. I realize that immediately cutting myself off from things that are important to me does not work for me.

I hope that someday my daughter will let go of it completely, finishing the path that I have started.

White Person Tears.

It's 4:59 a.m. I am rarely awake at this hour. Last night, I had a conversation with Kyle before bed. For me, the main point of our conversation was distilled to the following sentence:

"I do not feel important when you erase me from your life."

I woke up with this simple and relatable quote forcefully banging around in my head.

I say relatable because you can replace the word important with loved, cared for, respected, cherished, valued, seen as human.

You can replace the word life with vision, city, state, nation, memory, history.

You could even replace the whole phrase erase m from your life with ignore my existence, minimize my pain, devalue my contributions, vandalize my property with hateful words, intimidate me with threats of physical violence, beat me for being different. 


I am a white person in the United States. I am always racist.
If you are a white person in the United State, you are always racist.
Let us not be complacent, let us consistently do better.
When we stumble, let us get up and to do better.
When we fail, let us start over and do better.
When we need support, let us gather together, cry our white tears, and do better.

Non-Monogamy For Monogamous Folks, Part 1: Resources.

Recently, I received a request from a friend of mine regarding polyamory. She found herself dating a gentleman, who was dating another woman and planned to keep dating both of them. Her default was to hand him his walking papers, because that's what women are conditioned to do in the United States. She asked for blogs and other resources so she could dig into it. She was concerned that she was setting herself up for heartbreak.

I think it safe to say for many folks over the age of 3, heartbreak is a part of life. We often try to insure against it as we age because it is so painful. After two divorces and numerous breakups, I think it's pretty safe to say that monogamy is NOT insurance against heartbreak.

If you find yourself in similar circumstances, you can refer to my list of non-monogamy resources:

• Black and Poly founded by Ron Young 
• Polysingleish by Mel Mariposa 
• Relationship Assumptions at MoreThanTwo.com by Franklin Veaux 
• Kimchi Cuddles by Tikva Wolf 
• Polyamory Diaries by Sara Burrows 

You might notice that "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy is not on the list and neither is Franklin Veaux's book, "More Than Two." You might notice there aren't any books at all. There is a reason for that. Books are snapshots for places in time. I think that is useful for fiction and less so for non-fiction. Updating is close to impossible. Bloggers have the ability to update easily as they go and also immediately redress mistakes.  I think that is important, especially when you are starting out, or find yourself in a relationship with a polyamorous/non-monogamous person.

There are plenty of other bloggers out there, talking about polyamory/non-monogamy. Use Google or your favorite search engine. Read first person accounts. Join groups on Facebook. Ultimately, it might not be ok for you. AND THAT IS OK! Do the research and figure out how you want to work your life.