Monday, July 17, 2017

Jew-ish Shabbat

I am witchy and Jew-ish and irreverent and stubborn. I feel God and God looks like a tube of Krazy Glue in my mind's eye. I find some rituals feed into this glue feeling and help me be a better person.

I eschew much religious dogma. It's like itchy and ill fitting clothing. I twist it up, tear it, beat it with rocks, and struggle with it. What fits? Is this comfortable? Is this really working?As a result, I am not confident in my observance of my rituals. I do not share them, even though I prefer to ritual in community.

I know I should just do, other's judgements be damned. I don't, though.

And then I ritual on accident.

I find the destination and revel in it. My heart is whole. My love explodes out of my body. I share joy and love and intimacy and heart-wholeness with my love. Bliss.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Afloat

Day 1, Week 2 of my unemployment.
Day 1, Week 3 of a new med.
Day 2, Week 4, Month 8, Year 2 of living legally single.
Day 7, Week 7, Month 7, Year 3 of relating with Kyle.

I'm floating on a lake, chilling with folks that are an extended web of chosen family and friends of my ex-wife's current sweetie. Many of us are mothers; our children are here, too.  I'm getting a sunburn, despite the sunscreen I put on.

I am far from the concerns of my life, set up as it is with no such extended family. It is comforting to be included. It is a relief that I am allowed my space, not forced to interact. I am coming back to myself.

Though my embodiment is different and my values have shifted, I am still myself. I am still the life and people loving person that walked to the edge and then over into the abyss of depression. I am still this person even though I got lost and behaved badly. I am grateful for BadBoi and her extensive heart. I am grateful that she knows me and that she has been there, even when I have rejected her help.

I'm afloat in my life. I am sitting with myself, trying to figure out how to come back to my loved ones, trying to figure how to relate authentically with them, no barriers, no walls, no small talk.

I finally feel like I can do it.