She declined. She listed out her own responsibilities regarding our child and told me she wouldn’t take responsibility for the ONE thing that I had to do; video call around bed time.
My face reddened as I suffered instant onset of a tension headache. I was overwhelmed by shame and my first response was to strike out in anger. I couldn’t do it, though. BadBoi was right. I sent a brief text to let her know that I wasn’t reading any further texts for a bit, while I got my shame spiral and resulting emotional shit storm under control.
I was struggling. I could see that she was right, and I felt the emotions swirling inside me. This is one of the things I deal with as I live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD); emotional instability. My moods can change on a dime. I also have difficulty controlling my anger, even when it isn’t warranted.
I took time to sit out and find out where my anger was coming from and why I responded that way. I didn’t want to direct that anger at BadBoi. I was able to calm down and read through her texts with no further adverse reaction.
THIS IS AN IMPORTANT STEP FOR ME. It reminds me that The Knife is right; I do manage my BPD relatively well. It is also a reminder that I need to keep working at being present in my life, paying attention to my emotional responses. I do this to live the life that is fulfilling for me. I do this to be the best mom I can be. I do this to remind myself that I’m ok. I’m doing the best I can and I keep striving to be the best me I can be.
All this gives me hope that someday I will have enough practice at managing this that the impact of BPD on my life, and others, will be minimal.
What strikes me a little about this post is how self-centered it is. Everything in it is about how YOU feel. There is nothing responding to how your daughter must feel. There is a certain selfishness that I find disturbing.
ReplyDeleteI agree, Katie. I only share my feelings on this blog and I am selfish. I don't feel shame about taking care of myself.
DeleteUltimately, i think it's best for me and my family. I see that you disagree and I accept and honor that we have different ideas about this topic.
You know those tests in school where there is a story and then you are asked what the main point of the story is? It seems clear to me that the main point of this story is how you deal with your BPD, not how you are as a parent or your feelings about parenting. I think it is admirable that you are working so hard to overcome the inclinations you have that may not be as healthy or helpful. BPD is a big deal and most people never attempt to overcome it. I applaud you and admire your honesty and respect your journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you, FF. I feel loved.
DeleteA blog is by definition a first person accounting, a story told from a particular point of view. It would be no more appropriate for you to try to represent your daughter's feelings than for you to represent any other person's.
ReplyDeleteAnd as FF points out, the point of the story is that you are working on your BPD. Working out your own process for dealing with it and for minimizing the negative effects on yourself and others.
I commend you on the hard work you have undertaken and some of the positive results you've already had, which I have been witness to.. I love you.