More on Genderfluid Transition.

I didn’t  recognize that I am trans* for most of my life. I always viewed the idea of trans* in a binary format. Then I met Kyle. He was open with me about his gender identity, answering questions with kindness. He directed me to websites and blogs and all sorts of resources. As I became more proficient with search terms, I learned more. As I learned more, I realized that I am genderfluid. I also realized that I wanted to pursue medical transition to the middle of the road.  At least I call it the middle of the road.

 

I told a few people. I was met with confusion and disbelief. I stopped telling people. This path, while true for me, isn’t easy. I mostly don’t miss who I thought I was. I find that I am more comfortable with my handsome person in dresses look. I’m more comfortable in my person in dude clothing with make-up on look.  You might think that doing that should have been easy. The actions are easy enough to accomplish. The confidence, power, and comfort in doing those actions is not always easy to accomplish.

 

When you find your path, and you follow it, everything becomes easier. At least it has in my experience. I made the decision to pursue testosterone therapy to obtain a deeper voice and facial/body hair, which brings me more to the middle of the road on the gender spectrum. I made the decision to pursue testosterone therapy to obtain growth of my click (clit-dick), which brings me more to the adult development stages of my human body.

 

Obtaining testosterone has been more difficult that I originally thought it would be.  I needed all the tests again. I do need a letter from my therapist, which I didn’t think I would need.  The purpose of the letter is different than I thought when it was first brought to my attention. It more addresses my mental ability to grant informed consent. I spent a whole therapy session on answering the questions posed by my therapist so he could write the letter.

 

One topic that came up, which I wasn’t expecting, was the description of my dysphoria. Knowing your path is not the same thing as dismantling your ideas about why that path is where it is. When he asked, I didn’t start to answer for a full minute.  I needed time to check in, think about it, find the things that I associate with dysphoric feelings.  Three main areas came up: Body/facial hair, voice, and my click.

 

One other thing came up today. Menstruation. I remember the betrayal I felt. How could my body betray me like that? I thought that those feeling were normal, that all girls felt that way. The women in my life had so many names for it. They called it the curse, Aunt Flo, the crimson tide… As time wore on, I came to accept it as the price I had to pay to have children. Looking back, I think I might have misinterpreted the feelings of others regarding their periods. Let’s face it, I didn’t really know what was normal for girls. I knew what was normal for me. My two closest friends were excited to get their periods. I felt like a freak because I never wanted it.

 

Out of four things that I experience dysphoria around, menstruation is the worst and I am grateful that it doesn't happen every day.  It might be for the best that I never carried a child to term. Maybe I would have lost it, watching my body grow a human. I’ll never know for sure, and the more I think on it, the less it bothers me.

 

I should get my letter this week. Once I do get it, I’ll get my scrip for T.  Once I get my scrip for T, I’ll shoot myself up in the thigh and see what happens.

 

Thank you, Kyle, for being my biggest cheerleader.

 

Thank YOU random reader,  for reading the story of my life. Thank YOU for being a witness to my life.