Leveling Up: Accountability

Today, when I went to the bathroom, I did not smile as I looked in the mirror.  It is the first time that I wasn’t happy to see my newly rediscovered self. I couldn’t even look myself in the eye.  When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone who had crossed boundaries. I saw someone who had just gone on autopilot and spouted off about stuff that he knows nothing about. I saw someone who is realizing there is a deeper level of accountability that comes with being the person in my skin.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. For the record, I won’t be entertaining any comments re: whether or not this is a thing. I strive to manage this disorder, and mostly I like to think that I am successful. The two biggest issues that I have involve instant intimacy and impulse control. These two things can combine in a myriad of ways.

The management of this disorder involves me attempting to be clear and concise with my needs and expectations. It involves me just accepting what people tell me as the truth, in that particular moment. It involves being accountable for my actions. It hinges on being able to remember that my actions are separate from my identity. Some days I manage better than others.

This past week has shown me that I need to take on additional methods of management, most notably asking about the boundaries of other people. I always assumed that people would tell me their boundaries, unasked, because it seems quite clear to me that I cannot read minds. I also assumed that people would be clear about owning their boundaries.  And here is where we are reminded that assumptions make an ass out of you, or in this case, me.

So I pick up one more life lesson, and integrate it, and live it. I go on and do better tomorrow.

Evolution of my thought process on this topic.