Leveling Up: Patterns

Patterns. They are those little things that you keep reliving over and over and over again.

They're the same little things you sit and wonder about over the course of your life, thinking "Why the fuck am I doing this...AGAIN?"

They are those little things that EVERY long term person you've dated asks, "Why do you KEEP doing this?"

For me there are several patterns that keep coming up.

1. Why do you always need to have the last word?

2. Why do you always need to be right?

3. Why are you talking to me like that? You're not my mom!

And one recent morning, as my soon-to-be-ex wife is having a meltdown over something she has absolutely no control over, I become my most mommy of moms. When it's all over, I realize that I don't want to be the voice of reason right at that moment. Instead, I decided to take a different tack. I decided to rant and vent and shame her for worrying over what I consider to be nothing.

When I think about the root causes of my mom behavior and my shaming behavior, the things that pop into my mind are things like my belief that somebody is behaving in a childish manner; my perception that someone's response to an incident is not what my response would be; and my reactive thought, "For serious? Are you doing it AGAIN?"

It would seem that my trigger for acting like a mom is my disapproval of how someone is processing whatever it is they are going through.

Early in the morning, when I haven't had my coffee and I'm just unconsciously reacting, my first response is to blame that person for my reaction to the trigger. The trigger being that I am percieving they are acting like an idiot.

I have to remember that I am 41 years old. I am more than old enough to see and recognize that my behavior is my own damn fault. My behavior is my own damn fault. I own my behavior.

As I was sitting in my car, talking to a machine that puts my words into a an electronic document with approximately 75% accuracy, I felt a wee bit silly. I feel ashamed that I have not done a better job to be conscious in my interactions with my soon-to-be-ex wife. I don't have to choose to be the disapproving mom. I can recognize that there are certain behaviors or my perception of certain behaviors that trip my trigger, and I don't need to respond to that trigger. Or I can choose to remove myself from the situation. Or I can verbally acknowledge "Hey, I'm experiencing something. I'm having a reaction regarding your behavior. My normal response is XYZ. I understand that's an appropriate response. Please give me a moment to adjust my attitude."

I could respond in a thousand different ways. Recognizing this, I wonder why am I not choosing a different response. When I respond like a disapproving mother, it does not serve  me.