Right now, I want to hate you for being totally fine with how things have been situated, but it is not your fault that all the agreements that I made 18 months ago are no longer serving me. It is not your fault that I made agreements and offered myself to be taken for granted. Who wouldn't want that in a lover? It makes things easy because I have chosen to roll with the punches.
I made them, because they were easy to make at the beginning. They felt good to make at the time, the place, the way I was living, and the things that I needed. And now 18 months later, they ache. The agreements I made allow you to take me for granted. The agreements I made allow your family to take me for granted. I put myself in this position and now I need to shift.
You said that you have heard me, and I think that is true. And I wonder, can you actually forge new agreements? I don't know that you can, and that scares me. I feel afraid.
When we spoke tonight, I broke things into dichotomies. I know that life is more complex than that, and still, dichotomies serve a purpose. Yes or no? They answer the question, because "maybe" isn't always an option. In many cases, it isn't an option at all.
I want a set amount of time, sacrosanct, just for us. Do you want the same thing? Yes or no? In this, there is no maybe.
I want my needs and wants to be present in your mind, as yours are present in mine.
I want to part of your everyday life, helping where I can, because the presence of happiness and ease in your life is important to me.
I want your wife to be a priority, and I don't want that to mean I fall by the wayside.
I want your family to be a priority, and I don't want that to mean I fall by the wayside.
I want to be a priority, and I want you to make a stand about our relationship. I know you won't. It's not in your nature. I want it anyway.
I want you to have ideas and opinions about us and our relationship. What is important about us? Why are you in this? What can you not live without?
I want to be essential to you, because you are essential to me.
I feel your pain. Hugs
ReplyDeleteSweetheart, you are always on my mind and your needs/wants are as well. Our relationship is evolving, as they do. As I have said to you directly, I have no intention of breaking things off over a change in expectations. Though I took my own time in responding (which I know drives you bonkers), I was never going to leave you hanging. You are a priority in my life. This love is a priority. We move at different paces and that can make things hard, but we always come back to the essentials of our relationship: love, respect, honesty, kindness... love you, shmoo
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