Solo Poly: Romantically Monogamous?

On my OKC profile, I state the following in my self summary: "I currently identify as romantically monogamous and sexually non-monogamous."

What might you think when you read that? Someone who doesn't want to be romantic with you? Someone who is only looking for sex? Someone who doesn't mix sex and romance? Someone who is in a hierarchical relationship?

This sentence in my profile was the deciding factor for the most recent rejection I received on OKC. The rejection was kind, with a detailed explanation about how our poly styles are probably not compatible. I had to wonder, what was I really trying to accomplish by stating I'm romantically monogamous?

Maybe I should go back a bit. When I first arrived in Olympia, I dated a woman for a few weeks. I loved her. As we came together, I didn't pay particular attention to how either of us wanted our relationship to work. I over-committed regarding the amount of attention I could give her, and ended up failing to deliver.  I was totally surprised at how it ended, uncertain why I didn't feel that I could explain that I didn't have the energy to engage, on any level, so frequently.

I avoided forming new relationships, had a bit of NSA sex, and updated my OKC profile with the information, "I currently identify as romantically monogamous and sexually non-monogamous."

Since that update, I have experienced a few things that have me attempting to describe where I am with regard to poly. I had one beautiful, romantic, NSA sexual experience with a person that still warms my heart when I think on it. I've had countless conversations with Kyle and others on how romance fits into my sexuality. Then I read this article by Lola Phoenix. The following quote resonated with me on a deep level.

"Relationships are people deciding to commit to each other in whatever way commitment means to them."

Struck by a sudden realization, I understood that I'm not adverse to romantic entanglements. Many of my friendships involve some sort of romantic feelings on my part, though not always sexual. What I needed to do is be clear about the TIME COMMITMENT I am able to give to any one person.

I see Kyle as my partner, specifically my primary romantic and sexual partner. I call him my primary because the schedule and routines I share with him take up much of my time and energy.  I like it that way. I know that I cannot give that much time to another person; I just don't have the energy.

I also know that I love people. When I am with them, I do my best to be with them. I focus my energy and time and attention on that person. I'm still figuring out how to explain that on my OKC profile. I haven't figured it out, yet, because I have difficulty believing that will be enough for some folks, so I cut myself off from the option.

:headdesk: