Gender Identity: A Journey

Genderfluid: all the variations of the binary genders, switching and flowing around. This is how I came out in my trans journey. It doesn't really apply.

Genderqueer: all the variations of all the genders, without regard to what society defines as feminine/female or masculine/male. This is how I currently see myself.  I still use they/them pronouns.

I eschew binary gendering of my person. Sometimes I like nail polish, cargo shorts, jeans, lipstick, eyeliner, facial shaving. It all shifts around, but I don't feel girly if I do/wear feminine things. I don't feel boyish if I do/wear masculine things.

With just over a year of testosterone therapy, I have achieved three of my four hopes: I have a deeper voice. I have a smallish cock/largish clit. I no longer menstruate. The facial hair is more patient to appear than I would have wanted.

I have also achieved several other things that I did not want. I have a large amount of belly fat, which has creeped up to just under my breasts and all the way down to my mons. In and of itself, the belly is perfect and round and beautiful. However, with more of it just below my breasts, I breathe differently. The body memory from my old body is no longer reliable, which makes breathing difficult and uncomfortable.

My hairline is receding faster than my facial hair is coming in. I'm vain about my hair.

I have joint pain and numbness that I didn't have before. I believe it is because the tissues that can still grow did so, trapped in bones that could not grow. If I followed the male pattern of my family, I would have been nearly a foot taller than I am, with all the connective tissues that go along with a person of that size. However, I am 5' 5", not 6' 2". My bones and body cannot accommodate the connective tissues of a person that tall and I ache all the time.

I despise the cyclical nature of my T shot every two weeks. The breakouts, the moody, the discomfort. It's wearing on me. I'm tired of it. It's remarkably like my menstrual cycle. WTF? Why trade one in for another. It doesn't make sense.

I've stopped taking my shots. I'm on edge, scared about my menstrual cycle starting up again. I know that my body fat will redistribute, but my hair line won't come back. I don't think the numbness and joint pain will go away, but it also won't get any worse.

This sucks. I know testosterone is not a magic bullet. I really wish it had been.