Today, I introduce you to my unreliable narrator: I hate my brain.

I feel like we have this conversation frequently. I'm struggling with some facet of our relationship. It's really just normal relationship stuff; nothing terrible. I bring it up, because keeping it inside sucks and rattles around in my brain going from struggle thoughts to hurricane thoughts.

We have a quickly devolving conversation over text.

I feel stupid and frustrated and broken and decide to take a break from conversation. I rearrange the furniture several times. I calm down. You send an email, because you don't know what to do.  I feel more stupid and more broken.

I don't even have the words to tell you what I want, yet.

I try to front load that information. Sometimes I fail. You get confused and it is no wonder...because I'm broken and stupid.

I don't have a network to absorb schedule snafus. That is my fault.

I am envious that you do have a network that comes from living in the same small town for over 50 years. That is my fault.

It's been 2 years. I haven't developed my own network. That is my fault.

I don't really know what I want from you; it changes. Sometimes, I want acknowledgment that I am having a hard time.

Acknowledgment

-acceptance of the truth or existence of something.

And sometimes, I want acknowledgment that I am having a hard time.

Acknowledgment

-the action of expressing or displaying gratitude or appreciation for something.

I think these two things are very similar, or at least subtly different. I feel that about 80% of the time, I'm looking for one or the other. I'm likely wrong; for obvious reasons.