Everything's Coming Up....Poly?

R: I truly love you, with all of me.
K: I know and that knowledge fills me with love and light and good energy. Your love is very good for me.
R: I feel the same. It feels good to be free to be me.
K: My love is free. :-) I love you as a free person coming to me in love and free will.

Kyle and Red

This conversation with Kyle, like so many others, stands in stark contrast to my past experience. When BadBoy broke up with me, I did not believe that my heart would ever be fully whole again.  That was likely the depression talking.

When I met Kyle, it was because my friend was dating him. He and I chatted about all kinds of things, including my devastating break up. I explained my dream of keeping my family together; BadBoy and I continuing to care for our daughter in the family home, while being free and able to see other people, have other relationships.  It is an ideal that I still cling to, as I step forward into my new life.

One of my biggest issues with my past three relationships was the fact that I had the high libido in each of them.  I broke up with the first one because she refused to go to counseling and I could no longer stay in a sexless relationship. I cheated on her several times, as a means of trying to get what I needed. I didn’t feel good about it in the long run; cheating was a crappy option. I broke up with the second one, because even though I was clear about my libido and she did her best to deliver, over the long run that didn’t work for her, which ended up not working for me.  My relationship with BadBoy ended because she could no longer accept the way my sexual frustrations came out sideways; my passive aggressive behavior and just plain aggressive behavior, making the house an incredibly uncomfortable place to be.  I don’t blame her; living with me was a tumultuous endeavor.

Deciding to try non-monogamy came about because I did not believe that there was anyone on the planet who could keep up with me.  The Knife and I would joke that I would need 14 lovers to keep up with my libido, maybe even 21.  Non-monogamy seemed the clear choice, even though I had never considered it before. I’m finding that 14 lovers probably won’t be necessary, or even desirable. I’m standing by my desire to have sex with friends, by making friends first.

As for Kyle, he and I fell in love. I admire how he loves his family. I adore the sense of his presence when he is with me; and that fact that he strives for that with all his friends and lovers.  I want to lick his dirty brain, know all the things that he thinks about and loves. I never know how he will surprise me with language and intellect. I want to speak with him about life, the universe, and everything.

When we first started out, barely a month ago, I reminded him that I’m not sure that I am poly or even non-monogamous.  I reassured him that I accept him as he is, regardless of where I fall in the relationship spectrum.

Today, I identify as functionally polyamorous; I love BadBoy and I love Kyle. I’ll likely not ever have 14 lovers, but I’m ok with that. I’m still learning how to manage and cope with envy and jealousy. I’ve got the rest of my life to figure it out.

I am in a relationship with a man who says, “I love you as a free person coming to me in love and free will.” I strive to be worthy of that love.