Feeling all the FEELS

Tonight is a heavy processing night. On my kitchen table are the final documents that I need to sign and have notarized in order to end my marriage. It's been almost a year since Bad Boi broke up with me. It looks like the divorce will actually be final right around that year mark, give or take a couple of days.

When  Bad Boi and I got married we wrote our own vows and I used the following quote to start my vows.

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet I mean what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage you're promising to care about everything, the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness."

As glad As I am to sever the legal relationship that I share with her, the choices that I am currently making about how to live my life are drastically different than what I thought my life would look like.

My now current plan is to live alone for the rest of my life. There are so many positives to this, even though I'm crying right now. I can have my space the way I want it and I can buy the things that I like and I can be as minimalist as I want to be.

I have the sweet love of Kyle and have a wonderful friendship with Mrs. Kyle. I am so blessed to have them as a part of my family. And this whole emotional roller coaster that I'm on right now is not helped by the fact that tomorrow is their 22nd anniversary. Right now I'm feeling a lot of envy for that kind of relationship, a relationship where you can rely on somebody to be there for DECADES.

I thought I would have that in my life. Though I've said before; you only have yourself to rely on at the end of the day. This feels painfully true for me.

I can be deliriously in love with Kyle, and I cannot envision a life where I will ever be able to rely on someone to be there like that for me. Because nearly a year after I spent 6 weeks in my bed, trying not to kill myself, I am still emotionally debilitated by the idea that I'm only going to have myself to rely on for the rest of my life.