On Being Bold (Part 1)

This new year started in late November for me.  I was getting finally getting my feet under me after the depression, break up, and suicidal tailspin that hit like a one-two-three punch in the middle of September. I was trying to figure out how to salvage what was left of my family unit, maintain my tenuous sanity, and get my sexual needs met in an ethical way. I had been chatting with Kyle on the FB, bouncing ideas around and being generally nosey, because I really admire how his family seems to work. I found it helpful; not just because he had tons of great advice, but because the talking allowed me to clarify what I really wanted my family and my life to look like after this major cataclysm.

I was also reading the erotica on his blog. The daddy/girl stuff?  HOT, HOT, HOT! It made it easier for me to open up about what my sexual needs are, because I really resonated with the role play and being a slutty little girl. We would talk about the abstract aspects of sexual need and then progress to the personal aspects and specific turn-ons. My cunt would get so wet, and my clit so hard, that I would want to put my hands all over myself… I always wanted to push the envelope. And then I would back off, because…break ups and hurt feelers on both sides. It was an awkwardly seductive dance; I loved and hated every second of it.

One of the things to come out of the disaster of my break up is my decision to be bold. I’ve whined about no one ever making the first move.  Now I have decided to make first moves. When Oregon Girl broke up with Kyle, I let him know my interest in doing more than just talking about sex.  When she wrote, unprompted, to say that she gave her blessing if Kyle and I ever became lovers, I replied right away to tell her that I was going to pursue him. It was fast. I know that it was fast. I know that my friend’s feelings were hurt at the speed of my response.  While I ached at her hurt, I could not stand idly by, doing nothing.

The anticipation of my first date with Kyle incited excitement and butterflies in my belly. Originally, we were just going to have an afternoon of hanging out, but after several sexy phone calls, we realized that we were going to need more time together. I think I realized it first.  I think that Kyle was resistant, because he was still protecting his recently broken heart. Of course, he can answer that question better than I can.

I was filled with excitement because there so much about Kyle that turns my crank. He’s incredibly smart and sexy. He likes so many of the same sexual and kinky things that I like. He is a dirty, slutty, and passionate beast.  I was also excited because of the way he processes information and emotion. I love that he actually does it, and that he is verbal about it as well.  SWOON! Oh, and he SINGS!!!! Double SWOON!

I was feeling butterflies, too. I was so nervous. I couldn’t remember the last time I had enjoyed a passionate kiss or make-out session, much less lovemaking. I was not kissing compatible with BadBoy and we hadn’t kissed in months, maybe even years. I hadn’t had sex in months and before that, the sex that did we did have lacked passion. Truthfully, our sex life was fraught with tension and angst on both sides. As much as my body responded to Kyle over the phone…I was terrified that I would be a terrible kisser and terrible in bed. I kept thinking that the baggage that I had with BadBoy would magically show up on this trip. I was a bundle of nerves.

When the day finally arrived, I pulled my car in the Hotel parking lot. I saw him waiting for me outside the lobby door. He was wearing jeans, cowboy boots, plaid shirt, and a leather bomber jacket. FUCK ME! I almost crashed my car...NO JOKE.