Fight or Flight Can Happen With Emotions, Too.

Not everyone knows that your body can react with the fight or flight adrenaline rush from emotions. I know this. It has happened to me several times in my life. The most recent time was today, right before lunch.

 

There are plenty of sacred things with my lover. Most sacred is not to box each other in, to share our bodies and minds as freely as our joys and our interests. It leaves room for a delightful blossoming, a growing garden filled with fruit and flowers. It is a garden that feeds our bodies and our souls.

 

We are also human, so it also leaves us open to envy and jealousy and pain at misunderstandings. I think the benefits and joys outweigh the possible hurt. It’s why I continue on with my polyamorous life choice.  It doesn’t mean that hurt doesn’t happen, because it does. It did today.

 

Kyle and I were chatting, as we do during the day, about people we are connecting with and what we are talking about with those people. He was chatting with a newly exploring kinky person about daddy/boy play (no, I don’t capitalize) and as he told me about this, I felt a prick of jealousy. This is nothing new, I’m new to poly and I’m still working out my jealousy/envy coping skills. When he went on to describe how he doesn’t enter this dynamic without spanking, I felt the full blown adrenaline rush of fight or flight. One of the things I held sacred, our daddy/girl dynamic, was scattered to the winds, I felt a covenant was broken.

 

I’ll start off by saying, I almost always FIGHT when I feel that adrenaline hit. Physical altercations, verbal eviscerations…pretty much anything that I can do to hurt the other person.

 

I always regret this decision. You can’t undo physical harm. You can’t unsay hateful words said in anger. I told him I was pinched, our code word for hurt/jealous/envious.

 

Sitting at my desk, I needed to do something. I had chosen not to fight. There was nothing to run from. The only thing left was to run towards my pain with a lunch time walk. The downside to running towards your pain is that you feel it. You take your walk, you breathe deeply, and you get to the sad and hurt of the pain and you sit with it.  It sucks. And you breathe deeply and you continue to feel the hurt. And you read the apologies and you feel the hurt.  Getting the picture? You just feel the hurt. There is no way around it, so you walk with it. You tell it you understand. You tell it that I can’t stay with you forever, just until it gets back on its feet and walks itself right out of your life.

 

And I give myself a pat on the back for choosing a different path. I acknowledge myself and the new choice I made. A new choice that I made in love, for myself and for my lover.

 

Kyle, you and your integrity inspire me to reach new heights and strike out on new paths. Thank you, and I love you.