This week has been AWFUL. I'm sick. My head is the sausage casing for the most disrespectful congestion I have endured in the last five years. Mini Femme has moved south with her mom and sibling. While the change in time spent has not been terrible, the interruptions in our daily call have been a struggle. My schedule with Kyle has been purposefully wonkified to accommodate
both of us getting to bed by 9:30 (ish) and my school schedule. Did I mention that I hate change?
I'm a hot mess.
I'm not sure if that is better or worse than a cold mess.
The discovery that the definitions Kyle and I held in our minds regarding the term "Partner" were so different. Mine is so tied to LGBTQIAA historical context, and also the Relationship Escalator. I still don't have a clear idea of what Kyle was referring to with the word.
I started reading "Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life" by Amy Gahran. I've finished Part 1 and I have realized I might be more Escalator oriented than the average solo polyamorous person. I also have a nagging concern that if I can't attend conventions and larger events without another person, what kind of Solo Polyamorous person am I?
Right now, you might be thinking that I am TOTALLY OVERTHINKING this whole thing. I agree with you. I don't believe that it is possible to for me stop that behavior. I might change my mind in the future, but for now, these completely unhelpful thoughts reverberate through my cranium on a frequent basis.
With all this stuff ^^^^ rolling around in my brain, I still have to figure out how to behave like the values I espouse: Kindness, autonomy, accountability, love, and joy.
Mostly, I just take a deep breath...make that 1000. And pet my cat. And try to look at something beautiful.
I wish I could tell you that in ten years, you'll be closer to feeling adult... maybe you will, but based on my own experience, that hasn't been the case. I still feel like I have a constant pile of personal shit to work on, improvements to make, things to keep in mind as I navigate relationships and life. For what it's worth, I am feeling less anxious about that lack of adult certitude as I age. YMMV, obviously.
ReplyDeleteYour quest for ways to signify relationships outside the escalator has gotten me questioning the escalator, my assumptions and expectations. Yeah, it's what I'm used to, but habit doesn't make right. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, messy or not. You're my hero and my mentor, and my love. Kyle