Sex has been an interesting thing for me...
I've been sexually active for almost three decades and even with all that experience, I can still learn and experience new things...
FUCK THIS SHIT! I've been trying write about this transformative experience for nearly a week. Finding the words is difficult and I feel so frustrated because what actually happened was so awesome for me in my transbody.
There are so many ways that I relate with my body sexually; I find sexual pleasure across most surfaces of my skin. My primary and secondary sexual characteristic (reproductive?) body parts are no exception and most of my sexual activities to this point include those body parts.
Sometimes, though, those parts separate themselves from my sexual pleasure. It strikes at odd times and I haven't been sure if it's a problem or not. I've tried to overcome it by asking Kyle to go slow, even though I'm not feeling it, and sex me up in ways I have historically enjoyed.
The other thing is that my gender is shifting again*, or maybe settling into a more comfortable place. I got so anxious when I wrote that sentence, I knocked and spilled my coffee three times in rapid succession. So much of my sex has been tied up with my gender; how I relate it to my
body parts, how it feels to be in my skin, how I enjoy sex with
partners.
The other night, I was feeling sexy. I was with Kyle and my body responded in ways I didn't expect. I wanted lighter and more superficial touches. In my body, I felt like I had the smooth genital contours of a Ken doll (thank you fat mons) and my chest felt the same, with smaller breasts than Barbie but the same nipple-less profile. I felt perfect and iridescent and my orgasm was like the blossoming and ever-changing star lights that Kyle purchased as a gift at IKEA.
I wish I could describe it better. I wish I could transport you there with me. I wish that you could have the attentive and patient and loving sex that Kyle shares with a partner. I wish you could feel how satisfying it all was. I wish your eyes could be opened in such a loving way.
*I feel unsure about what is happening with my gender. Before I took testosterone, I felt like Genderfluid fit. While I was taking testosterone, I felt like Genderqueer fit. Now I've been off testosterone for a while and I have no idea what is going on with my gender; Genderfluid and Genderqueer miss the mark, now.
When it's hardest to express and articulate our inner most truths, sometimes just getting something out is a victory.
ReplyDeleteThat evening we had a beautiful, sweet connection and you communicated so clearly to me what you wanted and needed. Thank you for that, my love.