Partner: My Definition *updated*

I came of age at a time where queer folks weren’t allowed to get married. We used the word “Partner” as a code for “Spouse.” And now all kinds of folks use that code word to mean all kinds of things.

When I hear that word, I hear the history. I hear the time when we could not marry those that we love and protect them as straight folks did. We protected our own as best we could, given the constraints of the time. I cannot unhear that history, fraught with tension and fear.

If you want to be partners with me, there is that history and bits and snatches of the traditional relationship escalator. No you can’t live with me. No I won’t mingle finances with you.

Yes, you will get all of my attention when I am with you. Yes, I will likely go overboard with emotional support. Yes, I will hold you accountable for so many things that you might decide it isn’t worth it. Yes, I expect to be there when you need me and I expect you to be there when I need you. I expect these things even when it is inconvenient for your wants, or mine. I expect to be a part of ALL of your life, not just the parts where I fit in easily.

Yes, I expect that you will look at your couple privilege if you have a spouse or any other partners. I expect that you will listen to me when I tell you how it impacts me and I expect that you will do something about it.

I’d like formalized commitment because I value long term commitment and I want it recognized by others.

And your idea of partner might not match mine. And that is ok. And you might want* to call me your partner. Please don't; your definition of partner and mine don’t match.