Non-Monogamy For Monogamous Folks, Part 2: Your Identity and Your Feelings

This is a follow up, long in coming, for Non-Monogamy For Monogamous Folks, Part 1: Resources

Your identity is YOURS. It is not dependent upon others for definition or validation.

Dating a polyamorous person does not make YOU polyamorous.
Dating a polyamorous person does not make YOU polyamorous.
Dating a polyamorous person does not make YOU polyamorous.
And so it is.

Now that you've read that sentence three times, you believe it.

When I first started on this road, I knew just a few things.

1. Kyle is polyamorous.
2. Kyle is married.
3. I love Kyle.
4. Loving Kyle means loving all of him, and to me, that also meant his family. (YMMV, not all people want to meet, see, or get to know any other partners/family members)
5. I wanted a life that included Kyle.

I set about to figure out number five, because I have a long history of insecurity. One big topic that many folks talk about is jealousy; how do you cope with it, combat it, or can you not feel it at all?

Jealousy and envy are real feelings. They really suck. THEY ARE DIFFERENT and that difference is hugely important. You have to know what you are feeling in order to cope with it. Simply stated jealousy is the fear of losing something (or someone) you have and envy is the feeling of lack when someone has something (or someone) you want.

I struggle more with envy than with jealousy: I want the fun things that Kyle gets that I don't have the money to purchase. I want to have fun casual sex, like Kyle, but I'm to picky to participate in it. I am grateful that Kyle is willing to wade through the emotional labor of listening to me process my feelings. I think he is grateful that I don't generally ask him to do anything about my feelings, because they are mine and generally I just need to feel them. Your datemate might not be the best person to assist you in processing your feelings; though I believe that sharing feelings once they're processed is important in any relationship.

You might find that shouldering the extra emotional labor of dating a polyamorous person is not what you want to do with your time and energy. That is OK.