Life with BPD

Today is a day when living with borderline personality disorder has been challenging. At this time in my life I am sitting with divorce papers in my in my bag. I want to be divorced from Bad Boi. I have also attributed meaning to the divorce and that meaning is that I am unsuccessful with long-term relationships. I wonder what is wrong with me that I can't maintain a long term loving relationship with another human being. I know that's a bunch of shit. I maintain loving relationships with family members, with good friends, and functional relationships with colleagues and peers.

Dealing with a divorce is exhausting in general. I'm distracted. I am constantly concerned about when the paperwork will get to me and when will I get the paperwork back to my attorney and who's going to notarize my separation contract because I only have 20 bucks between all of my accounts and the cash in my pocket and it feels debilitating like I just wanna stay in bed and not do any of it.

Now say that run-on sentence over and over and over again in your head as fast as you possibly can. You will have a glimpse of what it's like inside my BPD brain just around that one particular topic.

And you might also know that it is similar for smaller things like chat windows that don't share the whole chat or computer programs at work that don't run fast enough or making coffee or trying to get ready in the morning or any of those other daily life type things...

The THOUGHT PROCESS OF ALL OF MY LIFE is like that spinning hamster wheel.

I have to take time to stop, get off of the hamster wheel in my brain, step back, and breathe. I have to do these things or my emotional responses are completely out of line with reality.

This takes energy and so how I cope with that is by trying to manage the expectations that I have around things. So if I ask you about an agreement that we have, it's not that I think that you're inconsiderate. I don't think that you're a bad person. I don't think that you're cruel. I don't think that you're mean.

When I ask to change our agreements, it's to protect myself and try and slow down that hamster wheel in my brain and stop my emotional response from spinning out of control. Constantly running on that wheel is exhausting and my emotions often come out sideways with BPD and even more so when I'm exhausted.